Of Walks in the Sunshine, Ice Caps and Having a Pristine Heart

I am reveling today.

They say a storm is coming later this week, so I think it wise to get myself outside.  My license reinstatement is still in process, so it's a walk I have in mind.  I hike myself and my rolling backpack down to Tim Hortons, Steve Bell accompanying me through the music files I have but barely use on my phone.

When I get there I sit in the sunshine and work on my Thai.  And yes, I have a 'cheating ice cap'.  They're supposed to be my Saturday treat, but my confession is that in these days of non-driving frustration I've had more than a fair share of 'cheating ice caps.'  Never mind.  It's wonderful, and so is the winter sun coming in the window.

I stay here, enjoying all the combined life of that, for two hours.   The movement of my body through the fresh air.  The reviving of my soul as the music feeds me.  The energy of the sunshine.  The joyful surprise of all I still know in Thai, discovering that I can read phrases I couldn't recognize before.

A day off with two indulgent hours to work on just - one - thing! 

The 'mindfulness' of it that eludes me in these days of oh so many details to negotiate, is amazing!  Feels so good not to be thwarted by immobility, or to be an inconvenience to anyone, or to be coordinating a ride, or to be filling out medical forms, or to be hurrying to be ready for my driver.....for two whole hours!

I revel.

Walking back I am conscious of my heartbeat, strong and steady.  Last week my cardiac test results were 'pristine'.  That's the word the doctor used.  Both tests, the two that are essential to have done in order to satisfy the medical review board at the Ministry of Transport, came back showing that my heart is strong, perfect even, medically speaking.

I ponder this designation of 'pristine'.

Health wise, it's a great thing to know, and later (much later I'm guessing) I will likely count this as one of the 'gifts' of having had my license suspended.  To know this, especially as I continue to travel back and forth across the globe, is a helpful thing.

Theologically, I also know this to be a great gift.  The most amazing gift ever, actually.  Something that enhances my Lenten meditations.  That Christ's sacrifice for me washes me.  That my standing before a holy God is made right because of Jesus' exchange.  That my heart, once 'crimson' is now considered 'white as snow', 'pristine'  (Isaiah 1:18).

Practically speaking, however, in real time?  The truth is that my heart has been considerably less than 'pristine' as I've kicked against this deprivation of freedom and independence.  I've allowed the anger and frustration of it to make me impatient and irritable.  My compassion has run on low, and my lack of control over this one aspect of my life causes me to grasp for more control elsewhere.  I'm not loving well, I'm not leading well.  Not like I want to be, anyways.

And some days, it seems I've completely forgotten Who I belong to, and Who it is Who gets to call the shots.  And it's not me.  Clearly.  Or I'd have my license back by now.

So today with a forgiven heart, I revel and remember.

I turn up into my driveway realizing I've just had a holy, re-framing, soul-stilling, 'pristine' string of moments.

And it does my heart good.

Fresh Snow

Snowy Sunrise

 There's something even quieter about an early morning graced with fresh snow.   It's as if new mercies fell from heaven last night, all white and unmarked and untroubled.

I am home again this morning, an unusual string of two days in a row, planned on purpose following a somewhat frenzied week.  More than a week, actually.  The whole month has had several layers of unexpected and expected urgencies demanding the best I can bring in a full-out kind of way. 

Actually, it's been like that ever since I got home. 

I guess we could call it cross-culture shock, at least a little of it is.  The pace of life in Thailand, where a tropical environment coupled with the sense of abundance-of-time that centuries of a belief in reincarnation produces, is undoubtedly and considerably slower than in Canada.  At least in the more rural parts of Thailand, like where Hot Springs is.  As wired-for-efficiency as I am, I was able to relax into that and let things unfold in a far less organized but Thai-beautiful way for three whole months.  I learned as much about myself in that, as about the culture and people with whom I am falling more and more deeply in love.

Morning mist on the mountains, Hot Springs.

But the bigger difference between there and here, I think, lies in what I feel I'm responsible for, in charge of.  There, I was the boss of my self only, and my school work, and how I engaged with the ministry at Hot Springs under Suradet's direction.  For three months the bigger-picture outcomes were not directly connected to my efforts.  That was a welcome gift.  Especially given the weight of all those extra layers of urgencies I've come home to, both at the church and in my extended family, the outcomes of which have been completely connected to how I respond to them.

And then, just when it seemed I would need all the resources of my life to be available to me in strong and rallying kinds of ways, something as fundamental as driving got taken out of the mix.   I cannot even begin to describe the inefficiency and wasted time, the extra effort and communication and coordination all of this has brought.  I say this with HUGE gratitude for all those who have so surprisingly-to-me been willing to take time out of their day, sometimes at no small cost to their own schedules and convenience, just to get me where I need to go.  My drivers are my heroes right now, and I couldn't be doing my regular life, PLUS all the added medical appointments without them. 

But the layer of 'more' this has added to my already 'more than enough' readjustment period these first months back borders on unbelievable.

So, yesterday and today, I am hiding from it for a little bit.  Two days. 

And there's fresh snow, and a fire on and a cup of tea beside me.  I'm ignoring emails, screening calls, refusing to look at this week's list.  And with some Thai-style time to just sit here, I am more aware of a Holy Presence sitting here with me.

I find the longings of my heart have a better chance of catching my attention so we can listen to them together, unhurriedly, compassionately.  I find the contemplations of my mind have more space to stretch and arrange themselves into something more orderly and useful, and He points these things out to me.  I find the deepest desires of my soul are given a canvass on which to paint vivid pictures of joy and hope and excitement, and He's excited with me about all that's coming.  And as I engage spiritually this way, I am mindful again that I am created for good things, beautiful things.

Tomorrow I will again take up the challenges and head into the week and my life with all I can offer.  I will take my responsibilities seriously.  That's just what we do, right?  And the challenges ahead have so much potential to bring out the best in the church I love so well.  We have so much to be eager about, excited about.  And I love that I get to do what I do. 

But what a wonderful thing to know that all the outcomes are ultimately God's deal.  What an important reminder of how badly I need new mercies every morning.  What a gift to receive grace for my glaring inefficiencies.  What a sweet gift to sit awhile by the fire on a morning with fresh snow. 

A morning that's even quieter because of time, and Presence, and mercy, and grace.