Having previously posted my intention to give up "productivity" for Lent (
So Far So Lent), I feel it's only fair to provide a few reflections on that experience now.
Honestly? These are just my own observations and learnings, and may or may not be of interest or relevance to anyone else.
But since spiritual formation is a process, and open transparency is of some value in how we learn from one another, I offer these somewhat random points, just in case.
To recap, my observance of the 40 Days of Lent from Ash Wednesday (February 18) to Maundy Thursday (April 2) came in the form of refraining from the urgency and efficiency with which I normally strive to accomplish the work of my life. There was a 'lesser' feel to my schedule during this time anyways, and I was curious to see if my sometimes flippant remark that 'productivity could easily become my god, if I let it,' had any teeth.
So, here's what I feel was revealed to me as I paused, took a breath, and stepped carefully out into the lesser-than journey this Lenten season.
1. It's Okay to Be Me, But Mindfully
Throughout my intentional prayers and meditations, I realized and was affirmed again that my desire for productivity is not wrong it itself. It's part of how God wired me up, and therefore the good stewardship of it is one important way of faithfully serving Him. If I can get a lot done in any given day, and I'm feeling 'productive' and that makes me happy, that's not wrong.
But when productivity itself becomes separated from a servant's heart, becomes the driving force and primary goal, and/or gets tied up in my value and identity, that's when things get warped. Stepping back from that, intentionally and mindfully, helped me see where I'm prone to step out of being Spirit-led into the realm of being fear-driven.
2. It's About How Things Get Done, Not How Much Gets Done
During this time, it wasn't so much about what I did or did not get accomplished in any given day or week. Some weeks were a little lighter, sure. But some weeks there were still many timely things to get done, reasonable expectations to fulfill, places to be, reports to be written and sent and filed, longer term plans to execute in the smaller weekly tasks. All of that didn't stop just because it was Lent.
The fasting from productivity, however, ended up feeling more about a general approach or attitude toward the tasks I consider 'work'. It was more about lessening the intensity and leaving space for more thoughtful interaction with whatever was before me in the moment. It was about giving myself permission to put something down and leave it for a while, when the time lines allowed, and picking it up later when I was able to give it fresh intention. This replaced my admittedly-normal MO of pressing so hard to 'git 'er done' just so I could check it off the list and feel that sense of productivity.
3. It's About What Gets "Accomplished" When I'm Not at My Desk
During Lent, I felt differently about time spent away from my desk, and this surprised me. When I am focused on productivity, any other appointments or meetings or even getting out for my walk all seems like a competition for my time and energy. As if I was somehow shirking my 'real' responsibilities. But when productivity itself wasn't the goal, then that low-grade, white-noise anxiety wasn't there because it wasn't 'necessary.'
Generally speaking, I am quite protective about the time I spend at my desk, and for reason. When my office situation was different, and the connective expectations higher, I had to modify my desire to be constantly 'available,' and set some difficult but essential boundaries. Some of those boundaries, and the scheduling of uninterrupted time, are still helpful and necessary. But beyond that, because of this fast from productivity, I think I am realizing that I tend to view the work done at my desk as the 'real' work, and everything else is a distraction from it. Maybe it's because what I do at my desk gives me something more concrete to show for my efforts. An agenda mapped out, a blog posted, an email sent, a sermon written, a lesson planned, a report written and sent and filed.
And oh, how self-important all of this sounds! I write these words as confession. Made even more stinging because this seems a repeated lesson of the Spirit to my soul. And I leave that here for me to sit still in it a little longer.
4. It's 40 Days, But More
Psychologists say that it normally takes 21 days to form a new habit. Lent is longer, which is one reason, perhaps, the practice of it can be so formative.
For me, 40 days was long enough to feel it as a discipline, as a fasting-from. All chill and determined to relax at the beginning, but ramping up a little by midway. Forgetting I was doing this, even. I had to write a little note to myself at the top of each week's list to remind me not to overload the expectations. Oh yeah, I'm giving up productivity for Lent. When I had a moment of anxiety because it felt like I was being lazy, or wasting the day, or - gasp - being unproductive!...Oh yeah, I'm giving up productivity for Lent. Like that.
And also, 40 days was long enough to make for a more lasting change in some of my rushing-habits. Rushing habit examples that I noticed this time out:
Eating quickly just to get back to work, instead of taking a legitimate lunch break.
Knowing I have 15 minutes before the next meeting begins and looking at the list for something I can check off and get done in that time, because, heavens, one wouldn't want to waste 15 minutes, right?
What about my walking pace? For the purpose of exercise, you obviously want to keep it brisk. But other times, like in the grocery store, or even just getting up from my desk to head to the kitchen, I found it interesting to notice what happened if I slowed that down a little, which I could do if I wasn't in any hurry to get anything in particular checked off the list. I'm hoping some of this sticks.
"Spiritual Formation is the process of being formed
into the likeness of Christ
for the sake of others."
M. Robert Mulholland
And so, patient friends, that's what I've come up with so far. Feels like enough. And ironically, I'll stop here before this update itself becomes something that feels more thoroughly productive rather than reflectively meditative. And yes, I'm laughing at myself right now.
And meanwhile, quietly, as if not wanting any undue attention, all this time of unproductivity has produced my first orchid bloom here in our new little house. That's coming on to two years. A longer time of being dormant, of being unproductive, and yet, here it is, all beautiful.
If you've come with me all the way to the end of this post, thanks for the company. The journey into becoming our better selves is always better when taken together.
I'd be curious, if you'd be inclined to share it with me, how you might have observed Lent, and what your own learnings were. My email is rabreithaupt@hcckw.ca. Love to hear from you.
