White Asters

It's been an intentional choice of self-care to be here at the cottage for these first days back in Canada.  I haven't really done this before - stayed "away" just a bit longer.  Usually I succumb to the pressure to be "back," responding to various requests for my time and attention, now that I'm "available."  All of which is understandable, and I actually very much want to re-engage quickly, having been so far away for a period of time.

But.

This time things felt different.

Partly because, despite being more or less stationed here at the cottage since early June, I really haven't blocked off any personal time except for when the whole family was here in July.  Preparing for this past visit, plus several speaking engagements, plus preparing to officiate two weddings, not to mention the regular stuff of ministry life as a Missionary in Residence, made for quite a demanding summer.  And I'm not complaining.  I chose it, and I love what I get to do.

And.

My body is more seasoned, which has significant advantages, but also some greater needs for maintenance.  I just don't bounce back from 24 hours of travel and 12 hours of time difference like I did 20 years ago.  So there's that.

So.

Looking at and praying over the calendar for the fall, there was this strong leaning towards pushing pause before jumping right back into city life again.

Pause to stop typing and just be still for a moment.

Then.

As I write I am on the deck on a slightly breezy and very pleasant September afternoon.  It's quiet.  One of those 'no human-made sounds' moments that have such restorative powers.  It's Sunday, and on Sunday NOT working is very much the obedient thing to do.  I embrace this.

The plethora of white asters that surround the cottage this time of year remind me of the lilies of the field that 'do not work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.'  Matthew 6:28  Which reminds me that it's okay to just 'be' and let God take care of the rest.

The rest.

The resting.

I suppose it's evidence of the deeper places of lingering workaholism and perfectionism that I still find it necessary to make such a thing of taking time to do nothing for a while; that it's actually still so hard to do; that I have to make such a point of it; that I feel the need to write about it.  It reveals to me the work still needed in my soul, I feel.  The letting go and letting God.  The releasing of control for outcomes.  The surrendering of the desire to impress.  The defiance against the fear of not being enough that pushes and drives and demands.  

The asters know nothing of this.  They just are.  In abundance, dancing.  Soaking in the sunshine on a sabbathy afternoon.  And I am with them.

 

See?

 

There's something so humbling about this moment for me.  Every time.

It's the farewell prayer on the last night before leaving.  

It's at the end of evening worship.  We've sung the last songs, read the last books, and recited Colossians 3:17 for the last time...for now.  I've wrapped up our last lesson about "In Style With Jesus."  [On this particular night we had a ridiculously silly fashion show, wearing all the items given out for each lesson.  That's what all the bandanas and such are about.]   And I've told them how much I love them.  Told them to never forget it.

That's when I'm invited to sit on a chair, and they come and lay hands.  Gentle little fingertips, and two of them have taken one of my hands to hold.  They all pray together out loud, like a mystic murmuring that wraps around me and upward in a wispy multicoloured ribbon of promise and unconditional love.  

I receive it openly.  And each time I hear the Father say, "See?  Here it is. The desire of your heart."  And all those moments in the past when I felt useless, and unworthy, and not enough, and forgotten, and misunderstood, and accused are all revealed for their folly.  Every promise to 'work all things out for good' is made solid.  And I get the sense that should the Lord choose that singular moment to take me, I would wake up in the presence of God, totally surrounded by love and peace, and not feel any different.

My bags are all packed and weighed all but what can't be done until you brush your teeth for the last time and walk out the door.  Breakfast first.  Then a last wave goodbye to the kids on their way to school.  Then I'll sneak back into the meeting room and hide 'ganoms' (treats) on the bookshelves for them to find tonight.  Then off to the airport around 8 a.m. my time.

Expectations are to arrive in Toronto at around 9:30 p.m.  I will have been travelling for more than 24 hours, but we chase the sun back, and regain the 12 hours we lost on the way here.

I am eager to be back with my beloved husband and all the other loves God has so richly granted me in Canada.  AND my heart aches with the human limitation of only being able to be in one place at one time.

As always, I cannot adequately express my gratitude for how well taken care of I've been while here, and for the deep respect I have for Suradet and Yupa and all they so generously offer to the plans and purposes of God in this place.

And also, my deep, deep thanks to all those who support my being here in so many ways; not the least of which is my own husband and family, but also all those who contribute to my Missionary in Residence stiped so faithfully each month, and anyone who takes on just a little more work and responsibility to cover my absence in big and small ways.

I'll do my usual Facebook posts along the way, letting everyone know my progress.  First stop, Taipei.  Then the long flight to Toronto.  I have myself a pretty decent seat, if I do say so myself.  Aisle, near the back, close to bathrooms and a little bit of extra aisle space to stretch in.  And I have  LOT of pictures to sort, so there's that.

Grateful.

On my way.

The Little Things That Aren't Little At All

 

"Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters

cannot be trusted with important matters."

Albert Einstein

When a kid does something that's just decent and good, you want to say something about it.

But first you need to try to imagine the happy chaos of being with about 12 children who are all working hard on their English reading, writing and comprehension skills -- all at the same time.  I'm on my own this trip.  No such luxury of dividing up into groups with competent and eager English-speaking members of the Team.  No such assistance from "Crew Cher-o" (our experienced English learning specialist who's been twice before).  Just me, setting out the notebooks and activities Cheryl has designed for us, and then, as they arrive one by one, immersing myself in the happy buzz of kids figuring things out.

My job is to supervise as best I can, then, when a task is complete, provide a check on their card.  Once the card is filled up with thirty checks in total, they can select a prize from the basket later on during evening worship time. They work hard for this.  It's a big deal.

The challenge comes when they are finished one task and ready to go on to the other, but have to stop by me first for their check.  If too many finish at one time, I've got several little eager voices calling my name, and it's easy to lose track of who's completed what.  I do my best, and I'm pretty careful.  Don't worry, they will certainly make sure I don't miss any check marks on their card.

And then there's Jonah.  

Yesterday they had two printing assignments to add their notebooks.  Most of the children completed both of them before coming to me for two checks.  Jonah, however, did it one at a time.  But the second time he came for a check mark, I had forgotten about already doing so for the first assignment and just gave him two checks automatically.

He stopped me.

No, Ahjahn Ruth.  I only get one this time.

Okay, just stop here for a second.  I know this seems small.  One little check amongst thirty.  It would have been so easy for him to let my mistake slide for his benefit.  I mean, it's just one little checkmark, right?  But he didn't.

I made a point of commending him in that moment.  And I also mentioned it again in front of everyone later that night at evening worship.  Now I'm bragging on him to you.  Because we can't let little things like that go unnoticed.  If we want to raise up people of integrity; if we want to teach and model honesty, let's celebrate it when it happens.

Jonah (right) waiting his turn for popcorn, 

with Jua (left) and Tharit (centre).

One more thing.

Our kids come from places of neediness, most of them.  It would be so easy for them to stay into survival mode and think and behave in ways that are understandably self-serving and tight.  When they can relax and come at life with a gentle confidence that allows space for waiting, space for honesty, space for others, it's a particularly encouraging sign that they feel loved and secure.  And this is huge.  A small thing, but a huge deal.

Today our English time will be reading only.  Just to change it up.  We have been given a great gift of many books designed especially for early readers, provided to us by Pat Harrison of Blueberry Hill Books for which we are so grateful.

It Was Just a Little One

 

My husband would say that this is one of those stories I should keep to myself if I want to convince people to come along for a visit.  But in the interest of full transparency, and mostly because I find this kind of thing fascinating and a teeny bit fun, here goes.

It really was just a little one, waiting for me in the drain as I got ready for my shower.  So small I thought at first it was just a large worm, and almost reached in to pick it up and deal with it on my own.  But, remembering where I am after all, I sprayed a little water on it to see if it was even alive.

When it curled up quickly in a mini striking position, the gig was up.  Yup, a snake.  Just a little one, or did I say that already?  But not knowing for sure exactly what I might be dealing with, and knowing that some venomous creatures are actually more potent in their smaller forms, something like jalapeno peppers, I went to fetch someone who might help me out of this small-but-slithery situation.

Found Yupa first, and told her in a joking kind of way, "Excuse me, but I really don't want to shower with a snake."  She didn't hesitate.  Grabbed the nearest bamboo stick and went ahead of me like the mighty hero she is.

My apologies to all herpetophiles for what comes next.

It only took three or four thunks, and the problem was solved.  Yupa says this is not a venomous snake, but Thais have a policy of 'deal with' first, ask questions later, due to the large number of snakes generally speaking, and how it's more likely that any given snake will be dangerous than not.  

Despite the fact that I am highlighting this little event right out of the gate on this visit, you need to know that this didn't phase me. Don't be impressed.  It was not even in the same ballpark as the time I finished my shower to discover a decent sized scorpion had joined me at one point, brazen little thing!  That time the teenage girls took care of it for me with the handle of the toilet brush.  Just another day in a tropical climate out in a more rural setting I guess.  By now, having done this for 18 years, I should hope a little snake in the drain wouldn't be too much of a thing.

As I mentioned in yesterday's Highview to Thailand post Yay For Everything, I am feeling amazingly good.  Jet lag is definitely a thing, yes, but I slept very well this first night, which is usual but helpful.  Today is Sunday and I have zero expectations on me, except to give a little hello (hopefully in Thai if my brain kicks into gear) to the beautiful souls who gather here for worship, and then later, after supper, to begin our series on 'In Style With Jesus" with the children.  Lots of space and exactly the right kind of gentle in which to recover for this first day.

One great feature for me personally is how quickly I can feel all settled in and at home.  Like I never left.  

Looking forward to a great day!!!

Grateful to be here, and grateful for every bit of love and support I receive from so many of you to do this thing I get to do!!!

Hope all my Canadian friends are having a great Labour Day weekend!

Four Days

 

Back in the city now for the next four days.  My flight leaves in the wee hours of the morning (1:45 a.m.) on Friday, September 4.  

Four days.  That's enough time to collect all the remaining Sponsors' Packets (thank you everyone!), pack and weigh, then repack and weigh again all those packets, everything I need to teach English and "In Style With Jesus," and -- oh, my own stuff.  Although, it has been helpful to take advantage of the fact that I do have my own room in the guest house where I leave a lot of clothes and personal products, just so I don't have to lug them back and forth and have more room for the more exciting stuff.  

Four days.  That's enough time to finish off reports and follow ups, connect with everyone I need to connect with, do some last minute, well-timed banking, make sure to spend some time with grandkids, and stay calm and relaxed in the evenings so I can get good sleep before the long journey.  And oh...drink lots of water!  

Four days.  That's enough time to reorient, reset, and recalibrate my settings from cottage life to Thai life.  Not that it takes much to do that by now.  While the demands are very different (see A Day in the Life), there's a similar 'country' life vibe at Hot Springs, and a comforting regularity to the day.  Still, no time in the kayak for the next little while.  

It's raining this morning, almost as if to prepare me for rainy season in Thailand.  

I like it.  It's cozy and quiet and helps me concentrate on all there is to do, but in a more relaxed kind of way.  

And I better get to it!

Happy Monday everyone.  

Somewhere Between Greed and Grief: The Antidote

 

The Main Building, Original Property

Following my last post in which I shared the news that our beloved cottage is on the market, there have been questions and messages and encouragements, and for that I am so grateful.  Your kind engagement and care means a lot.

Today I want to pick this up again.  And to begin, I need to repeat that we do not in any want to, nor do we have to, leave the area.  That's because what's for sale is only a portion of what Ken and I have come into possession of through a mixture of inheritance and previous buyouts as the generational story of our family's time on these waters has unfolded. [Two properties that used to be one, severed in or around 1947, side by side.  The cottage we partially own and where we stay is the severed piece.  The other side which we fully own we'll call the original property.]

In the picture above you can see how much waterfront I'm talking about.  From the line you might draw at the tip of my kayak to the place where the shoreline curls back into the channel, that's pretty much all ours!  And, in my confession of greed, I would really rather keep it that way.  

There's something about this place that I can never get enough of.  For a lot of reasons.

We not only feel somehow intricated into the rocks and water and trees here, but there are also dear family members and friends who occupy other summer homes in the community called Cognashene.  And there is also the Church on the Rock, aka Cognashene Community Church, and the truly lovely people of faith who gather there every Sunday, weather permitting, throughout July and August.  We would be devasted if this sale meant we would be separated from all of that entirely.  The water, the kayak, the still mornings, the sunsets, the people.  The silence.  

Calm waters at sunrise

The place we currently reside in is the severed piece, and that is what's up for sale.  It's where Ken and I have been able to come for rest and restoration for the past 48 years of our married lives, where our children, and now our grandchildren have come to make a lifetime of memories.  

The Bunkie, Original Property

On the other side, the original property, you should know, is a brand new two-bedroom bunkie with a three-piece bathroom, a sturdy 1940's two-room sleeping cabin with no plumbing, and another main building that could most kindly be described as derelict-but-substantially-cleaned-out-with-dubious-but-still-hopeful-possibilities.  

Working Woodstove, Main Building, Original Property

It a decent amount of square footage, but with many other realities.  The kitchen is basically non-functional.  Wood stove still works, which was quite a surprise.  Foundation is questionable.  Roof is not snow-load-worthy, hence the supports.  Critters have figured out all the entrances between all the bits that are sagging.  There's one back room (not pictured, you're welcome) that may or may not have been called the "Squirrel Condo."

The "Kitchen" in the Main Building

There is no way our whole family could come up and be comfortable here.  Ken and I on our own wouldn't have a fully functioning kitchen even, and no place to be just to read or play Scrabble or relax.  It's not properly a 'cottage'.  Not yet at least.

This is the original family cottage, the first part of it built in 1919, with all the additions and out buildings added over the years.  We have been in full possession of this side of things for about ten years now, clearing out and tearing down and building and dreaming, while we sleep and eat next door where it's all inhabitable and comfy. What's new on this side is the bunkie, and also the boathouse, both replacing buildings that only needed a bit of nudging before being torn down completely.  It's been a lot of work.  And there's a lot of work to be done.  

Here's another piece of the greed thing.  Sometimes when I'm over here I can get overwhelmed, not just with what still needs to be tended to, but also with the sheer ownership of it.  Midst all the neglect-and-critter-ruined items, there's the really good stuff; antique furniture, dishes, small appliances, bedding and towels, a shopvac, tarps, hardware, and enough plastic food containers to last me until Jesus comes back.

Plain truth?  We've already cleared and donated so many bags of items from both properties.  Yet, even after cleaning out our city home on Blythwood two years ago, and all the letting go and purging we did then, we still have so much stuff!  To emphasize it, I'll say it again like this.  So.  Much.  Stuff!!!!

And this is where the Spirit takes me, gently pulling back the curtain to look at the whole picture.  Do you see it?  Ken and I already own a home in the city.  Currently we have two properties on Georgian Bay with generous waterfront and full of the comforts of life, more actually than we know what to do with.

And so there is the struggle.  Caught somewhere between the grief of what we'll lose, and the greed of even calling that a loss in light of all I do have.

Greed (Miriam Webster)

"A selfish and excessive desire for more of something 

(such as money) than is needed."

It's important to say here that none of this, as I sit quietly with the meditations, comes to me as harsh or condemning.  I find that the corrective discipline God brings to my attention is nothing whatsoever like any discipline I've ever experienced from any human source.  There is something truly holy about being held in such a space with overwhelming unconditional love.

And so, I sit safely with the intensity of my longings.  To feel them.  To separate out the grief from the greed.  Because both are there.  One is valid.  One is not.  One acknowledges the loss.  One clutches for lost things.  One needs to be integrated into who I am becoming.  One needs to be confronted and depowered.

Do I have an antidote for greed?  Over this past year I have been experimenting with the formula.  Here's what I've come up with so far.

One part generosity.  One part contentment.  One part eternity-mindedness. Two parts gratitude.

The generosity part is probably quite obvious.  Making sure you are open handed for the sake of others is in direct defiance of any greed that wants to determine what happens with resources. 

One person gives freely, yet gains even more;

another withholds unduly, comes to poverty.

A generous person will prosper; 

whoever refreshes others will be refreshed. 

Proverbs 11:24-25

The contentment is also probably obvious.  Knowing when enough is enough just dials it all down to a more peaceful level.

Godliness with contentment is great gain.

1 Timothy 6:6

The eternity-mindedness part is about beginning with the end in mind (a Steven Covey mantra), and imagining what how you want to be remembered.  What will how you lived say about who you are?

I consider my life worth nothing to me,

my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task

the Lord Jesus has given me.

Acts 20:24

And then there's gratitude.  Of course there's gratitude.  And by that I don't just mean the feeling of it, although that will indeed be the by product.  I mean first the practice of it.  The regular, maybe even every day, listing of every blessing of my life and just simply saying, "Thank You."

Bless the LORD, O my soul

and forget not all His benefits.

Psalm 103:5

To give gratitude two portions is really the trick.  Because I think gratitude actually does make generosity, contentment, and eternity-mindedness possible.

So there it is.  So far at least.  I've been growing through this over the past year, and it's not done yet.  We are not seeing much action at all on the listing, which is to be expected in today's market.  But something's gotta' give eventually.  And there will be hard goodbyes coming.

Not right now.  Right now I am being fully present in the moment, just here on the deck, letting it be.

My deck-office view.

I'll keep you posted, of course.  

Just thought it was time to tell this part of the story.

Somewhere Between Greed and Grief: The News

 

It's time to talk about it here.

Our beloved cottage is up for sale.

I am ready to talk about it now, but even just then, I had to stop typing for a second and give that statement some space.

There.

Okay.  

Obvious to anyone who's read this blog even once before is the fact that the good blessing of our cottage property, and the 100 years Ken's family has been in possession of it, is of immense spiritual importance to my soul, and to our family as a whole.  People up here talk about having some of their DNA in the rocks, of this being a constant place over a lifetime of many city moves, their sanctuary, their sacred place.  So we're not the only ones who acknowledge a deep emotional connection to this place.

To be clear, this potential sale does not mean we need to leave.  That's a significant piece of the bigger picture.

This is only one of two properties side by side that Ken and I acquired in a mixture of inheritance and previous buyouts as the generational story of our family's time on these waters has unfolded.  Only one.  It is the smaller portion, but also the more inhabited, comfortable portion, and the one we have made all our memories in.  

But it's only one portion.  Or did I say that already?

The reason for the sale is not tragic or unreasoned.  We only own half.  The other relative-owner is no longer able to use it at all, and it's time for a change.  Thing is, we can't do a buy out without jeopardizing our retirement plan finances.  Simply that.  Selling is the wise and reasoned thing to do given the circumstances.  

Most of this happened last season already.  That's when the property was first listed.  As you already know, neither the market nor the economy are exactly booming, and we have had minimal activity on the real estate website.  As expected, we are now closing off a second season with nothing budging.  So, there's no immediate urgency on this.  Just time to process and feel and let it be what it is.

I am reading through my journal from last season (an annual practice).  That's when we were doing the majority of the work to prepare for listing, and I was in the first stages of trying to let go.  As I read, and pause, and pray, the Spirit leads me gently into some of the deeper caverns of myself to sit with me for a bit.  

It seems He wants to chat about greed.

Greed (Miriam Webster)

"A selfish and excessive desire for more of something 

(such as money) than is needed."

I resist.  I consider myself to be more on the generous side than anything.  Who would call me greedy?  But then I lower my defenses and let it be possible.  What if I am?  What if the threat of this loss makes me desire it all the more?  What if I confessed my common fantasy, one this sale has exacerbated, of having all the abundance of resources to keep both properties and continue with renovations to accommodate our now-10-of-us family?  To have all the fancy boats and docks and decks that go with them?  

Luke 12:15

"Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; 

life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."

Writing it out like this, here and in my journal, I can see it for what it is; a selfish and excessive desire for more of something that is needed.  Yup.  There it is.  I mean come on!  We have a place to live in Kitchener...AND this place here.  Really!

Yet while I've been processing this for several months already, this is still kind of raw for me. I'm sorry if any part of this makes you uncomfortable.  On the other hand, if you're reading here, you probably already embrace a commitment to honest growth, and understand how important it is to me as a preacher/teacher who often talks about honest growth.  Or otherwise, I risk criticism and judgement, maybe even gossip.  I'm okay with that.  This is important.

There's something about the threat of losing something important that forces a rethink of what is important truly.

Because even if anyone approached us right now and offered to help us keep the place, my immediate and unhesitating response would be to ask that such funds be redirected instead to New Family Foundations' New Facility Project, building a place for orphan and at-risk children in Thailand to live and thrive and be unleashed into their best futures.  Or if you are not so inclined, perhaps I would direct you to invest in supportive housing for those who have no home at all.  

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Because sitting with the Spirit in these darker caverns of me, I am offered some medicine, a course of treatment for the malady of greed.  It's layered and nuanced and deserves a writing space of it's own, so...later.

For now dear friends, that's the news.

Thanks for journeying with me.

Thanks for the honest growing we can do together.

It means a lot.