Gratitude

I've been seriously sobered this week, considering some frightening events of the past weekend. Three very important young people in my life were in a significant car accident that included their vehicle rolling three times before coming to a stop.

Remarkably, injuries were minor. On top of the obvious protection granted, there are fabulous God-stories about who He sent to the scene in the form of skilled passersby, and other "co-incidentals" that are anything but.

The whole of the story and the details of things, I will leave to those who were there.

All I wanted to do this morning was to express my HUGE thanks to God that the girls are safe and to ask for ongoing healing of the relatively minor physical injuries, and the healing of whatever emotional and spiritual components that accompany such experiences.

My friends, take your time and know that people who love you are very, very grateful.
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My Girl Turns Four!!!!

Happy Birthday Abby!

Oh joyful day to celebrate the lavish love of God to fashion for us such a cherish. It was wonderment enough when you were an infant, and wrapping you up and reciting whispered lists of everyone who loves you, and gentle pieces of God's Word into your baby ear to feed your mind with truth right from the start.

But, now. Look at you! A girl of spunky joy, who's crazy about dinosaurs and caterpillars and kittens and purple - preferences not imposed upon you, as best we can tell, but coming from the uniqueness of you, spilling out in afternoons of enchanting expeditions in real and imagined places.

I love how generous you are with your affections. You have no idea how deeply your little voice of love-saying feeds my Grammasoul. Excited jumping and a smile that won't quit, all because I walked in the door? Who gets that, except those of us blessed with the undeserved adoration of a small child? And when I got back from Thailand last time, and you sat on my lap for two days, no matter what I was doing, and just hung on, without saying anything....

Unusual, that not saying anything part. Because normally you're talking. If you're awake, you're talking. And the ideas that are forming in that fantastic brain of yours keep me on my own mental toes. Don't stop talking to me, sweetheart. I will always want to know what's going on inside of you.

So happy birthday. God is leading our family into a strong and grace-filled future, reclaiming what should be into what can be because of Him. Hang on to Him always. He has placed you in a unique position to learn how to be mighty for love. We will do our best to teach you how, even as we ourselves stumble through our own lessons, learning from you as so often we do.

So my wonder child, on this day of days, you are beyond word beautiful.

And I will try to do the impossible -- to live up to the enormity of the gift that is being your Gramma.
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Alone With the Bear

Well, almost 48 hours later and no further sightings of our bear. My fishing friend got in safely that night, and for the most part the biggest challenge was getting me to settle down.

Next day Ken drove our friend back to the marina to head home, and he stopped in on the way back to the cottage to get me an airhorn.

This recommended "bear gear" is helping me feel just a little more okay about sitting quietly outside, particularly on the dock with my back to the wooded shore. And actually, when I see how easily the bear was frightened away just by banging on the window, I'm even more inclined to be wiser but less freaked. (I really wish I had never watched that thriller made for TV movie back in the 70's, about those giant mutant bears that devoured a remote cottage community. :). Why do we watch that stuff?)

So now I am alone again. For the next three days it will be me and only me here in my space away. And while I enjoy it when others come and go, and particularly revel in the alone time Ken and I are having this summer, I know in the deepness of my self that there is still much healing that needs doing there; the kind of healing that can only happen when I am completely free to take care of only me.

There gets to be a rhythm to it that I find very centering. I settle into sync with the daylight and dusk, wind and stillness, water and rock. My soul opens up to each new day with unhurried arms, ready to embrace the learnings gleaned from slow ponderings, and gluttonous reading, and slow ponderings some more.

Within the comfort and clarity of all this aloneness, and without the pressures of immediate detais, I have the freedom to dream into big futures. What isn't good that needs to go, even though, in the stupid hurry of my life it seems unshakable? What are my longings too long unheard that need a voice, not just now, but need to be given volume above the din that has become my living's normal noise? What story of meaning and greatness (God's definition of meaning and greatness) is still waiting to be written by the decisions I will make in these moments alone, weeks left here, months to come?

Community, I need you. Obviously, here I am blogging on my LOA! You're my "peeps", how could I possibly have come through these past two, five, ten years (pick the crisis) without you? Those who have stood by me in the ugly moments, you've shown what you're made of. Some have not been able to stomach it with me. I am so grateful for those who have, and there is a prfound healing there as well.

But maybe it's like this for you too. There's a way of healing that can only happen when, alone, you are forced into a selfness (not selfishness, that's something entirely different) that gives you the space to be fully you. And when it's all laid out like that, Jesus can touch it more easily, more deeply, more painfully well.

And there it is. Of course. I'm not really alone. And I'm not just talking about the bear.

I'm surprised and alarmed when a bear shows up. I am not surprised in the least when, every time, God comes to sit beside me on the dock.
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I Just Saw My First Bear!!

I'm not kidding!! No metaphors people. I am inside the cottage having just come in due to a quick rain shower, otherwise I would be still out on the dock.

It's 9:15 and I've abandoned my journalling to report this breaking news! Unfortunately, I did what I've been told to do and scared him away with a loud noise - rapping on the window. That sent him scurrying up the back hill.

Hey! I didn't get a picture!!!!

He's a juvenile black bear. Got a good look at him out the side windows of the main room, just on the other side of the deck. Not sure what he was after, but we did bbq steaks for supper earlier tonight.

Ken has just now arrived and we got him in safely.

Problem now is, my friend who's visiting is still out fishing.

Once everyone is inside safely, I might be able to settle down!!!!
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Father's Day Without Dad

This is the first.

When someone dies, the firsts are hard. and this is the first Father's Day without my Dad. He left us gently and mercifully on February 27th this year.

I think of him at odd times. Like when I went to fetch Mom for my birthday supper at our house, earlier this month. There was a small poster in the elevator for a fund raiser selling Pies for Father's Day. And I looked over all the different choices, wondering which one I would get for Dad. He loves pie! And then I remembered. Oh. Right.

Or when I'm looking at the loon, lonely and lingering long in our bay, just last night. And I think, I'll tell Dad about our loon. He'd loved to hear about our loon. He is fascinated by their elusive beauty. It' s something he really misses about being at his own cottage. And then I think, oh. Right.

It's good that he's gone. Eleven years in a stroke-broken body is more than enough for an active doer like Dad. And he did that so well, with dignity and love, being broken like that. Not everyone can. It's an excruciatingly hard thing to do. Abby is still convinced Great Grandad is playing hide and seek with Jesus, because now he could run to find all the good spaces, where before he just had to sit a lot. And if he does sit now, I imagine it's to eat pie and look out over the water to watch a loon be beautiful. So it's good he got to go Home.

But Father's Day this year.....a first.

Dad, I am so glad we got to finish well, you and I. There were so many things, so many times when I was growing up that went bad on us. I wasn't sure our story could have such a strong and noble final chapter. But it did.

And it's because you took something meant to destroy you, and you let it make you more of who God created you to be. Your body was crumpled but your spirit stood strong. As each year of those last eleven crawled us through them, you did not cave in to resentment or self pity. You refused to entertain grumblings or demandingness. Instead you kept smiling. You encouraged and blessed others endlessly. You lavished praise on me and prayed for me and my family and my ministry. You showed a fearless faith to anyone you came into contact with. No one could spend 10 minutes with you, without knowing you loved Jesus. Dad, you let that ending decade make you more and more the godly man your heart so wanted to be.

Thank you Dad.
You fulfilled your purpose and beyond.
I am humbled to be called your daughter. I am honoured to call you Dad.

Tribute

Zachary and the Geeee-Grin

It's my grandson's first birthday.

That would certainly be reason enough for a party. Bring on the cake! Gather friends and family! Take lots of pictures! He's a charmer, and is often the centre of attention anyway.

Twelve whole months! Vivid memories of a short night of labour and the strong and gentle way his mother delivered him to us.

The strong and gentle way God brought him to us, sort of when we were least expecting him, but completely expected by bigger plans in heaven than we could know.

And in this year God's greater plans are still largely hidden to us, except His plan to inject a joyfulness into our home we needed so much. That we know. That we can tell.

Zachary smiles and laughs out loud like every baby. But he also has this thing he does that seems to be part sheer delight and part completely pleased with himself, that is unique to the babies in our family so far. He tilts his head back and squeezes his eyes shut tight and makes this 'geeee' sort of sound from a wide, wide grin. It's impossible not to feel happy when he does that. Like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. I've tried. I've tried to stay sad and serious, but he turns on that geeee-grin and - boom - happy - every time.

Currently I am spending long and relaxed times on the end of a dock answering deep questions in my journal. I have this lavish luxury because I am on an LOA from my real life, and get to play in this cottage life for a while.

One of today's dock questions, posed by a wise friend, was: What's your 'gut reaction' as to why you were created? It's a good question, geared to making me think and feel more deeply about what it is I want to accomplish in the "last third" of my time on earth, so to speak.

I'm still working on the answer for me. And of course, for Zachary it's way, way too soon to start guessing. Except for this. And it's not a guess. I am convinced that Zachary was generously given to us to remind us that in the midst of sorrow there is joy.

"You turned my wailing to dancing....and clothed me with joy" the psalmist claimed (Ps 30:11). You brought the geeee-grin of delight, and this brand new wonderful person into being, and we celebrate him this day with deep, deep gratitude.

Zachary,
May this day and many days, somehow register in your new tender psyche to tell your soul how valued you are.
May God shine His face on all you are becoming.
And may your wonderful, sugar conscious mother let you eat cake.

Happy birthday little man.

Love, Gramma

Giving Way

What is this, day three? It always takes me more than just a few days to slide into sync with the paradox that is my existance at the cottage.

First is the sleeping phase. That's what I'm in now. Early bed times and no alarms and naps for as long as my body tugs me. Without the normal start times of life, it all slips quietly by in a new and familiar slow dance of rest.

I am remembering last year. Three weeks of rain and cold and disturbing thoughts that would not be banished from my brain, did not provide the respite I so desperately needed from the harsh realities of my life that past year. So in some ways I feel as though I am now in recovery mode from two years of relentless responsiblity

This is not to dismiss the amazing love and support I am honoured to know through the many strong and gentle friends God has granted me. But the truth is that what I've had to do is what I've had to do and it's been heavier than anything I've carried so far in my life.

And it is such a gift to be allowed to put it down for long enough to remember who I am and not just what I do. Here by the water, what I do gives way to who I am.

It's good timing for this. Any sooner and I would not have been able to truly lay it down. But by now something feels more finished, even in its constant reinvention. Right now, I can lay it down. I can give way.

Give way to God's way with me. Riding down the channel on Friday as we arrived, there was such a strong sense of His welcome. As if He had been eagerly waiting for me to get here. As if there were surprises and gifts in store, and He was so glad I was finally here to receive them.

Which I will. When I wake up
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Asking

Earlier today I received an email from Debbie Flinchum who serves with Asia's Hope in Thailand. Baby Michelle, granddaughter of Tutu Bee who is Director of Asia's Hope Thailand, has been having seizures and has been hospitalized for tests. Three months old.

My gramma's heart is gripped with memories of Abby in hospital with severe pneumonia. My connection with Tutu, already strong, has increased with the arrival of her granddaughter and that we can now talk "gramma" "eyi" with each other.

So I'm praying tonight. Like crazy. For strength and stamina and peace and medical acuity and courage and healing. For a very young baby girl, who has one of the world's most amazing women for her grandmother, and an army of faithful believers all over the world, praying her whole.

It Works!

While I'm away, it is my hope to keep on blogging. Expect updates on sunsets and chipmonks.
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Getting Ready To Be Gone

This is a test post to see if I've been successful in linking my black berry to my blog. If it works, thanks George!
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