It happens frequently, by random triggers. Throughout a normal ministry week, I come across regular reminders that I have been mightily invested in by many magnificent mentors.
I wrestle with some slippery piece of theology in conversation or sermon prep, and realize again the important contribution of particularly one professor who has generously shared so much of his knowledge and resources to help me be a better theologian and preacher.
I am invited into a delicate dilemma of life, asked for direction, and remember those who have come alongside me when I needed the same, particularly one professional counsellor who has been a sounding board for me over many, many years.
I am faced with a leadership challenge, and recall the opportunities given to me by pastors in my past that pushed me and shaped me into the leader I am today, feeling especially grateful for the way some of them had to work through their own theological discomfort with me being female
and a leader (yes, I'm from that era).
Frequently this happens. And I am beyond words grateful.
Also, as a direct result of this mentoring being poured into
my life, I have been given the great gift of mentoring others, particularly in this last decade of my life.
And now, in embracing the new things that are ahead of me, it is becoming more and more obvious that there is more mentoring in my future. I have been a mentor to various individuals at various stages of my life, and currently have the joy of filling that role with some pretty keen individuals who will no doubt go way farther than I can take them throughout the course of their life. I anticipate this with joy.
Mentoring is amazing, beautiful, and life-giving; when it works. And particularly, in my experience at least, when it goes "both ways".
How I understand mentoring in my faith-based world is that there is a desire, on the part of a mentee, for spiritual formation and vocational competencies that is backed by intentionality and effort, and facilitated by someone, a mentor, who is further along in their own growth and journey.
In my context, those vocational competencies are all about leading a spiritual community of faith, usually in the pastoral role. But in a broader sense, Christian mentoring would encompass competencies required in the marketplace, home and general community; in other words, wherever God has called us to serve in the kingdom.
In my own experience, for what it's worth and like I've said, I have found that mentoring is most effective when it goes both ways. And Both-Way Mentoring seems to happen best when a few important elements are in place.
1. Both parties want to and are clear on expectations.
Bobb Biehl in his book Mentoring: Confidence in Finding a Mentor and Becoming One talks about the formation of a mentoring relationship.
"The mentoring relationship is formed when the mentor turns to the protege and says,
"I love you, I believe in you, I want to help you succeed.
I want to make my experience and resources available to help you in any way I can
to become all that God wants you to be."
I agree to a point. But I think this only describes half of the story. I think it takes a mentee (protege) who in return says, "I respect you and want to learn from you, realizing that you have experience and resources that will help me become all God wants me to be."
This means that there is a desire on the part of the mentor to contribute, that is matched by a desire on the part of the mentee to receive, and this mutual desire has been clearly communicated.
I only recently learned to ask very directly whether or not a potential mentee believed I had anything to offer them, and if they actually did want me to speak into their lives. It was a pivotal moment in our relationship. Mentors, if you think you're mentoring but there's no end of push-back and resistance, you may not have a true mentoring relationship, but instead are actually nagging and interfering. Just because other things may be set up to look like you're mentoring someone, eg. the person is a member of your team or on your staff, doesn't mean that in their mind they want you as a mentor. I wish I had learned to be this direct much earlier. It would have saved me and the unfortunate "non-mentees" I was irritating a whole lot of frustration.
Likewise, mentees, if you are trying to draw from a mentor who doesn't really know they're your mentor, you may be feeling neglected, misunderstood, even unloved by someone you admire, which can be painful. Ask outright. Make it clear that you desire to learn from them and invite their voice into your life. Be specific about what it looks like in terms of how often you will interact, what the content of your conversations will include, and how much 'correction' they actually are invited to give.
When both parties are equally engaged and are clear about the expectations, the mentoring relationship has so much more to offer.
2. Declare a "No Cloning" Zone
It can be tempting to assume that a mentee will be successful in the same ways you as mentor have been successful. That if they just model you in every way, then their ministry will thrive. Please resist this temptation at every cost. It is arrogance and it is sin.
Mentees, you are your own person with a unique set of gifts, temperaments and passions. And while it may be true that there are enough similarities between yourself and your mentor to make it a good fit, you are not called to be your mentor. You are called to be you.
Celebrating those differences, and focusing on the mentee's strengths and journey is the best path to helping him or her become all God meant for them to be. It reflects a higher degree of personal maturity and sense of one's own secure identity for both parties to 'get' this, identify this, work on this.
This might seem obvious, but I have found it a huge deterrent to learning when the uniqueness of both mentor and mentee is not clearly and regularly spoken, affirmed and celebrated.
3. The humility of learning goes both ways.
In the context of a discussion about wisdom, and the length and breadth of my years of ministry, being sixty, and coming into this era of my life, someone actually asked me the other day if I get impatient with all the 'lesser thans' in my life. I wish I could tell you that they meant it as a joke, Like the exaggerated character of Sherlock Holmes in the BBC series starring Benedict Cumberbatch (an excellent series by the way), who is ever so tolerant of all the 'ordinary' people around him. Yes, that's what this person was asking.
What?! I paused, and then said, "There are no any lesser-thans in my life."
God forbid the day when I begin to see others, especially my mentees, as 'lesser-thans'! God forbid the day when any mentor begins to believe they have stopped learning or are superior in any way! That's not how this works. A mentor only qualifies to be a mentor if they model the thirst for spiritual formation and the humility of learning that they are hoping to instill in others.
"We are forever students; we are forever
taught. Each one who hears the words of Jesus, first to follow and then
to go and teach others to obey, stands in a long line of disciples that
originated with twelve followers hand-picked by Jesus, the
rabbi-carpenter of Nazareth."
Keith Anderson and Randy Reese from
Spiritual Mentoring: A Guide to Seeking and Giving Direction.
This means that mentors will learn from our mentees. Of course we will! What amazing new ideas I have been privy to as my mentees have shared their journey with me. What important corrective perspectives I have had to consider; insights into Scripture or humanity that I wouldn't have seen for myself. This is particularly true as I have entered my sixties and absolutely need to learn the new ways of thinking that younger generations bring to the table. And it's just generally true in life. Everyone has something to teach us.
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It's been suggested that everyone is mentored by someone at some stage of their lives.
And that everyone mentors someone along the way as well. That seems true to me. It is without question part of the richness of this stage of my life that I have experienced both, even the times when it has been less than ideal, and can look forward to whatever other opportunities to be mentored and to mentor in the days that are coming.
Both ways. That's the joy.
