Old Mirrors

I found myself standing there again this morning. That now more familiar territory of actually knowing and liking myself, and standing in the quiet confidence of it.

It's a little weird to be just arriving here by now. I'm 54, a Gramma, having raised 2 children before that, lived an already full life. I've weathered ministry storms of catastrophic proportions. I'm at a season of life where you might think one would have figured out the whole self-identity thing long ago. But my journey hasn't been a normal one, particularly not in the venue of "career". It's taken a longer, roundabout route for me to be known as and know myself as Pastor. And so, I find that I get to experience this sense of self-discovery in 'younger' ways, like I was still a 20-something maybe. I don't mind. I think it's keeping me from being too settled just yet.

This morning it happened as I listened to two people in conversation, who knew I was there and visually included me, but were really having their own dialogue, and I didn't interrupt. They were talking about the essence of what I do and who I am, the art of preaching particularly. Not totally in a specific to Ruth Anne kind of way, but talking about me just the same, smiling.

One of them was from my past and one, Lord willing, will very likely be a significant part of my future. One has known me and shaped me and has offered perceptions of me to me for a long time, having allowed me to partner with and learn from, but coming from a history of intimately knowing my insecure, unactualized self. The other, only recently being part of the kind of work we do together, has only ever seen me at this later stage of life, and perceives me quite differently. And as I stood there on the fringe of their talking, it was like being able to see both me's.

Fascinating.

I wonder if for too long I've let people hold up old mirrors, and believed that the reflection there was still valid. At the cottage there are some old mirrors, all veined and distorted, kind of cool, I guess, but not good for getting a clear picture of your face. If I accepted what came to me from that mirror, I would not feel very good about myself. Actually, I'd hardly really be able to see myself as I am today, I think. Looking into that mirror, for instance, I lack wisdom and discernment, don't know what I'm doing, am a pushover for being manipulated into all manner of ways of doing what others should do, and apparently need to be corrected lots...like lots. The old mirrors want to suggest that I'm too sensitive, too inexperienced, and don't have what it takes to lead...and that this picture is 'me'. They might call on how long they've known me to justify what they are reflecting back to me is me, now.

And a lot that list of what they've seen in years past has been true. Growing up is hard to do. It's a rough job making us holy along the way. And I will always and ever be grateful for those who have put up with my immaturity and insecurity and let me stumble along with them towards this becoming of me.

But these days, others are holding up newer mirrors. Who I am now is being reflected back to me by people who are engaging with me now, and the picture is very different, it seems. Not without imperfections. Heaven forbid I don't have people around me that can still speak into that. But recently, just in the past three weeks especially, I've been described in very affirming ways by a variety of people in very different settings. Really? I'm just shaking my head and peering closer into these new mirrors.

Hey! I think I like me!

Like I said. This should be basic. Should be something I figured out a long time ago. But, oh well, I'm just getting to it now.

And reason this matters isn't just about how I'm liking feeling this way, although it's kind of fun. It's about how knowing who I am and being confident in the new reflections helps me, in turn, speak positively into the lives of others. Knowing me and being okay with me means I don't have to get tangled up in trying to please past mentors. Knowing me and liking me means I can be free to preach with more authenticity, more transparency. Knowing me and celebrating me means I can relax in the presence of others and more fully engage with their spirits, without agenda or judgment. Knowing me and embracing me means I have more energy to hold up new mirrors to others, and hopefully reflect back the wonderful beauty their soul's potential.

And so, back to the conversation.....I left it joyful.

We haven't thrown out the old mirrors at the cottage. They're vintage. They remind us of where we've come from and the treasured faces of family before us who peered at themselves when the mirrors were new. There's heritage in those old mirrors, and I love them....a lot.

But I am me now.

And I'm liking this.