In Celebration of Hearts That Won't Let Go

Something uniquely spectacular is in the works for Saturday, May 26.

I'm talking about a wedding.  Weddings by definition are spectacular events all unto their own.  And this one, just because of the nature of the covenant that these two people are making  with one another, is totally beautiful and true and exciting in its own merit.

But there's an element to this wedding that is a unique celebration of lasting community and committed friendships.

The two people getting married - the Bride, Charlotte Inthof, and the Groom, Bruce Barrett - are two human beings for whom I had the high honour of being present when they drew their first breath.  For both Charlotte and Bruce, I acted as labour coach to assist their mothers, both of whom are dear friends who spectacularly delivered them into the world.


And on Saturday, May 26, I will again have a high honour, this time of officiating their union.

How cool is this?

Come on, how often does this happen?  That a pastor is officiating the wedding of two people whose births she attended? (If anyone knows of anyone else with this claim, I would love to be put in touch.  We can start a support group or something! Go on speaking tours.  Like that.)

But here's the thing.  This didn't happen by accident.  This represents life-long relationships.  Obviously.  And relationships of any length, let's face it, take brutal amounts of work.  They just do.  Marriages, colleagues, business partnerships, service teams, sports teams, communities of faith, friendships, co-anythings.  Most of the time, at varying levels, relationships that matter require much from us. 

Even aside from this upcoming wedding, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my relationships lately.  My relational world is about to dramatically change, at least for a while. I'm about to pull away for a time from a whole tribe of people with whom my soul is truly at home.  It's a necessary absence as part of the transition at Highview; a time to allow Erin the space to establish her own leadership voice as Senior Pastor.  A time for the Leadership Team to establish this new chapter.

I'm totally on board with this.  And I'm also sad.  And I'm also realizing that the anticipated absence is sharpening my awareness of the tenure of my relationships, and some of the things I believe make for long-time commitments across the relational horizon.  Being with the same community of faith for so many years, there are lots of long time relationships.  And this summer Ken and I will celebrate 40 years of marriage ourselves.

Midst the complexity of every human connection, if I had to distill it down to what matters to me, what makes a relationship last, I would hang a lot on three things.

1.   Open Listening

What if everyone we meet has something to teach us?  What if every conversation was an opportunity to better understand rather than be understood?  And what if, over time, that sincere posture of being completely open to listen, to learn, provided a way to deeply connect?    Think of the conflicts that could be avoided or, better yet, collaboratively resolved into a brilliant 'third-way'!  And how profound the freedom and expansion of a safe place to become, in the presence of an open listener who truly wants to know what it is you have to say.

2.  Tenacious Forgiveness

Here's an ironic fact of life.  Human beings can do huge damage to the very people they love the most.  We can.  And in our relationships we have the capacity for catastrophic betrayal, crushing indifference, and cruel, cruel vocabulary.  Or course, there's also the 'smaller' but accumulative relational infractions of annoying habits, simple carelessness and colliding personality quirks.  Any one of these, big or small, has been the cause of wretched endings, sometimes, quite understandably so.  But no long time relationship has arrived there without a certain tenacity of forgiveness that just won't let go.  Forgiveness isn't about allowing ourselves to be abused, of course.  But it is the base line fabric of any relationship that's gone the distance.

3.  Lifted Perspective

Our relationships are about way more than the people immediately involved.  In a marriage, it's our family and friends.  In a business partnership, it's our colleagues or employees.  In a church, it's our family of faith.  And on it goes.  When a relationship ends badly, others are affected somehow.  This is because no relationship exists within a vacuum.   And in a Christian world-view, our relationships don't even belong to us.  They belong to the One we've committed our lives to, and He has something in mind to accomplish through the connections He orchestrates into our lives.  So when the temptation rages to walk out, a lifted perspective considers how this will pan out in a bigger picture.  Who suffers?  Who else gets damaged?    This, by the way, is the power of speaking vows, wedding or otherwise, to a larger group of people.  It lifts our perspective up and over ourselves into a wider world of relational webs, strengthening the connection and increasing the potential longevity of the union. 

A comment on the obvious is needed here.  Throughout my lifetime (turning 61 in a few weeks), I have also had the painful experience of relationships that went sour and some that even became dangerous.   I will likely always feel this sorrow, this confusion, in their unhappy endings.  Without question, I had something to do with it.  Without question, so did they.   For a while, I spent a great among of emotional energy trying to figure it all out, pursing and trying to fix things until it was apparent that was only doing more damage or becoming more dangerous.  

However, more recently, and with the help of spiritual companions and faithful friends, I am more inclined to simply and gratefully receive the good, good gift of those who have patiently hung in there with me, in spite of me.   Those who have openly listened to my heart, have forgiven the sins I've committed against them, and have seen the bigger picture of our relationship as a binding thing.  In their love I have been able to experience the fullness of my life in ways that continue to startle me.

So, on Saturday, May 26 I get to be in that beautiful space with a whole lot of stellar people who love well.

What an amazing way for Bruce and Charlotte to begin their lives together.