Giving Thanks in a Fall I'm Not a Fan Of

This has happened before, but not like this.  

Thanksgiving rudely intrudes on the complexities of life, pressing me to the edges of all the autumn joy.  It's there.  I can see it out there in the colours and the misty mornings, and smell it in the candles.  And, yes, there's pumpkin pie, so there's that.  I know the joy is there.

But it's not as obvious as it feels it should be.  The gratitude isn't easy.

It's happened before, but maybe not like this.  This year's complexities of life are long and drawn out and happening to literally everyone on the planet.  I cannot claim any corner on the problems market, not that it's ever something anyone wants to do.  No, this year, this fall being the way it is, is happening to us all.

I'm not a fan of it.

Granted, I didn't feel like I really got summer until the end.  But in the end it was hot enough and involved a kayak.  So I made peace with that, and turned my heart toward decorating the porch in ambers and browns and took the kids to the pumpkin patch and we carved them and did that whole messy thing with them and I lit candles and bought sweaters and everything. 

It's just....there's still COVID and that has had delayed even further any sense of getting into a seasonal rhythm at all.  I think I could embrace the season more enthusiastically if I could just figure out where it was going.  

And I'm tired.  Physically weary, relationally drained, mentally fatigued, emotionally stretched, and spiritually thin.  And just when I think I've got a handle on things, something else circles into my orbits and collides with anything at all that even whiffs of a plan I'd like to make.  

There's a really good chance that the first all-family gathering we've dared to consider in two years may have to be cancelled in order to maintain the wisdom of an abundance of caution.

Ah! There it is!  The real reason I'm approaching Thanksgiving in something of a funk.

And so.

Sometimes giving thanks is more of a choice than a reaction.  And actually, I'm okay with this.  Because a substantive life isn't formed from the easy stuff.  Character isn't crafted on light breezes and pleasantries.  And actually, I find that digging deeper for the gratitude I find more of it and more weary-resistant versions of it.

So, Giver of all good gifts, 

Thank You.  

For a family that loves each other enough to hurt at the thought of not being together yet again. 

For pumpkin pie anyways.  

For the fatigue that comes because passion and vitality was well spent.

For the love of friends who understand and offer grace. 

For fireplaces.  

For vanilla candles and tea.

For the complexities that ground me.

For the promises of Your Word without which I would truly despair, but because of, I don't have to.

For being so gentle with me right now.  

Yes, for that. 

And for this.  And for all You might want to do in me because of it.  

Gratefully Yours,

Ruth Anne