Let's Talk About It

"Let your conversation be always full of grace,

seasoned with salt,

so that you know how to answer everyone."

Colossians 4:6

Came across a Ted Talk the other day that struck me as powerful in its simplicity. In about ten minutes, Celeste Headlee, an American radio journalist, author, public speaker, and co-host of a weekly series on PBS with 20 years of experience, lays down "10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation."

I'll leave the link at the bottom so you can take a look at it yourself. Well worth the time in my opinion, but will leave that to you.

Since communication is so important to me, and I am always, always striving to do this better, in various forms and forums, Headlee's focus on some of the basic attitudinal transactions within every conversation give me plenty to think about.

This one I love.

"Assume you have something to learn."

Every person, she reminds us, knows something you don't. In every conversation, there's something someone can teach you.

I love the humility and honesty of that. I love how it switches the focus from how I might want to impress someone (come on, we all do this all the time, so much so they have a name for it: Image Management) to how I might want to let them impress me (what a concept!). I love the connectivity of this, the curiosity, the way it opens up more possibilities relationally. The opportunity it brings to encourage and lift up the other.

And, in fact, I've found this to be true. Especially and particularly when I'm engaging with people who are very different from me. Different lifestyles, different cultures, different political opinions, different theologies.

There's just so much to learn out there, and every person we come across has something that could enrich us. Hopefully, if the conversation goes well and there's the balance of back-and-forth, we just might enrich them too.

Every day the news depicts a world deeply divided. Is it too simplistic to believe that perhaps we'd be more united if we just knew how to have better conversations?

So on this very rainy Tuesday morning - when I'm NOT out walking - I wish you a day full of fabulous conversations.

Can't wait to see what new things we can learn today.

And how that might bring us closer.

10 Ways to Have Better Conversations 

Words for Winter's Lingering

With a presumption that 'it's probably just me', I've been doing a bit of light research on the effects of this time of year on our general relational health.

Sweet flowers from a friend that included a card with life-giving words.

I'm not talking about mental health, although that definitely factors in.  I'm not talking about physical health, although the winter virus thing certainly factors in.  My focus, my sense of it, is on how this time of year seems to foster no end of minor to significant relational agitation, specifically and simply because of how we are talking to each other.  

It's like we're all just that much more grumpy, and that 'grumpy' mostly comes out of our mouths.

Here I risk minimizing what concerns me, simply by using a word like 'grumpy'.  That seems to imply that a good night's rest or a good meal might solve the problem.  And often that's a good place to start, sure.  If we can do a little self care and come back to the conversation open and generous, sure.

But what if the Seasonal Affective Disorder we're all experiencing by March, is poking holes in our love and decency, exposing some hurts and hostilities that spill out in some truly unhelpful ways of communicating?

It might be one explanation for what's bothering me of late; this seeming increase in sharp words, sarcasm, cynicism, often under the pretense of humour.  Humour that insults, tears down, and is pointedly aimed at an individual.  Bantering that starts out maybe okay, but ends in increasingly embarrassing, personal digs.

Call me sensitive, that's fine.  You wouldn't be the first, and that's why I started this with 'it's probably just me'.  But it's also why I did a bit of light research.

Just Google 'the psychology of sarcasm' and read a few (reliably-sourced, peer-reviewed) articles and see if I'm overstating things.  Look up the affects of different kinds of 'humour' on relationships.  Get a few definitions.  Maybe even ask the people around you how you're coming across.  Ask if they feel safe.

Perhaps you'll still tell me to lighten up.  And if you say so in ways that are safe and healthy for me to hear, I'll take it into consideration.  For sure I will.

And if it is indeed 'just me', then I'll press deeper into my own commitment to watch my words.  Even in the words used in this blog post, or anywhere, I truly hope to convey humility and grace and a desire for peace.  

But I won't always, I know this.  And surely as I post this, if you're interacting with me in some form in the next few days or weeks, you'll see me slip.  I'm earnest but not perfect.  So I'll watch myself, and invite you to watch with me.

Here Paul inspires me:

 "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29

And oh, the Bible is full of loving instruction as to how we might love with our words.

Oh friends.  Thank you for all the times you have honoured me with your honesty.  Thank you for all the positive words of love and encouragement and grace you have spoken into my life.  Thank you for allowing me insights into myself with your differing perspectives.  Thank you for helping me to lighten up with I genuinely need to.

May we all walk winter's last weeks with wisdom.

We need each other so much.