The R-Word

Whatever it is I’m doing right now, it’s hard to find a word for it.

Many have called it ‘Retirement’ but despite the elements of having finished something that has been a long time vocation, that word doesn’t quite fit me right now.  It conjures up pictures of ending all work-related endeavours and taking up hobbies or volunteer positions to pass the time or make important contributions in ways not possible when employed.   All good, and perhaps that time will come.  But ‘retired’ isn’t how I see myself for this next phase of my life. 

‘Resting’ is accurate for the moment.  Away on an island at our summer home with limited internet, no schedules (including meetings!), and little to no social engagements for a while, a much needed time of rest and recharging is certainly underway.   The press of this past season with a final push at the very end has spent me in every capacity, as I expected it would and intentionally offered.  Now these still waters, visits from the beaver, mornings and evenings where no human-made sound interrupts nature’s worship – my desperate soul lays down in it to sleep deeply.  But ‘resting’ isn’t the overall plan for this next phase of my life.

‘Relinquishing’.   Now there’s a true thing that’s in play.  This moving from one thing to the next has required from me one of, if not the most delicate and defining relinquishments of my life.  And while things officially passed from one to another at the end of May, the deeper letting go in the deepest places of me began many months before, and, as I am experiencing now, seems likely will continue for some time to come.  The kind of releasing, the letting go of this kind of treasure doesn’t happen in one fell swoop, as marking a moment as it may be.  There is a cellular level to this kind of offering.  Cherished loves are not glibly dismissed from the heart.

So, yes, ‘relinquishing’ is definitely in play.  But it describes what was, not what’s coming in this next phase of my life.

So what word is there for this?

A phone message left by a friend, who himself has done this not-retirement thing already, includes an off-handed semantic that captures something for me.  He won’t wish me a happy retirement, he says.  Instead, he wishes me a happy,....what?  ‘Reinventment’, he says.  Yes!  That's what this is!

There’s something being re-defined, re-focused, re-invented right now!  There’s a sense that all that’s come before, everything, even all the wretched things in my story I wish I could erase, plus any skill set, any learnings, any experience or (possibly?) wisdom I may have gathered along the way – all of it is coming together now in a new way that is powerful and strong and beautiful and important.  There’s a re-inventing of my life and ministry toward a new focus, fanned by new passions and energy and ideas that would not have been possible in an earlier rendition of me.  There’s a clear understanding that this time of my life, right now, almost 61 years old, is ripe for the new thing in a ‘reinventment’ of all God has been fashioning for me from the beginning.

‘Retirement’ is a fine word.  And its use in the plethora of cards and emails and letters that have been so lovingly presented to me in these past weeks is well understood and fondly received.  But a real retirement is yet to come.

Right now I am in a phase of ‘reinventment’.   

Because really, I’m just getting started.

An Extraordinary Morning

My Beloveds at Highview,

Thank you for the way our stunning Father was glorified today.
An extraordinary God, who loves to do extraordinary things with ordinary people.
Reason to celebrate.
Reason to reflect.
So many tears.
So much joy.

I am undone by your gift to me.
What you have spoken, sung, given today, is quite certainly beyond priceless and beyond what I know I deserve.

And you, the collective you, all of you and each of you at the same time,
Thank you.


For being a safe place for me to be real, and to make mistakes.

For pushing past conservative conventions and standing behind me as a woman pastor.

For all those times you let me go away for a month to the cottage.  I so needed that!

For allowing me to let Thailand become part of my heart, and releasing me to that ministry now.

For sharing some of your most awful, wonderful, intimate moments of life and death and hilarity and sorrow.

For honouring me with your confessions.

For praying for me.

For laughing with me.

For growing with me, and more often than not, in spite of me.

For being the now-famous grace-filled place that embraced my family during our darkest hours.

For pushing back on sermons or ideas with love and respect, helping to shape my thinking and giving us space to grow together.

For not settling for status quo when it comes to doing the un-glamorous work of the gospel.

For opening your arms to one another, even in the midst of significant diversities.

For opening your arms to strangers, even in the midst of significant diversities.

For trusting your leaders and being a people your leaders trust, because of course it goes both ways.

For working hard and playing hard and worshiping with everything you've got.

For trying new things all the time.


For being just the right size for the kind of loving God has for us to do.

For teaching me so much about what Jesus looks like.

For making the most important thing the most important thing and not worrying so much about the rest, except when it has to do with the most important thing.

For taking risks, and being prudent, and pushing the envelop and seeking discernment.

For taking care of each other spontaneously, and consistently.

For being uniquely wonderful in so many ways.

For being a community that is truly wretched to be away from for six months.

For trusting me to come back and hang out with you all again.

 For allowing God to write a truly beautiful story among you,
a story that has exciting new chapters yet to unroll. 

My Beloveds, 

Please know this....

Being your Pastor and being given the honour

 of serving in this way alongside each and every one of you 

has been, without question, one of the most

 astonishing

delights 

of 

my

 life. 

I cannot thank you enough.

What I'm Doing With Six Months "Off"

"What will you be doing for six months?"

The question comes up a lot these days.

Folks from my faith community mostly are asking it.  They're referring to a six month hiatus from having any presence at all at Highview between June 1 and December 1, 2018.  This is an important piece in the transition between myself and Highview's new Senior Pastor Erin Wildsmith, as I step into a new role, Missionary In Residence.

What a wonderful gift to be asked to remain part of the community I love so deeply, to have their full support for the work in Thailand, and to know that, at the proper time, I can come home to worship again.

But first, there's six months away.  What will I do?

For those who know me, it won't come as any great surprise you to know that I have a list.

1.  New Office Space

The first order of business is to move out of my office. I am so grateful for Erin's patience as I have asked that this not happen until after the goodbye service on Sunday, May 27th.  I just knew I would need to still have my office intact on that day, so I could say a proper, private, early hours goodbye.  This office has been a sacred space to me for a very long time.  God has been so very present, always. Countless sermons, personal break-throughs, moments of revelation and vision and surrender.  Pain, joy, frustration, awe.  Deep and beautiful conversations with folks exploring the nuances of spiritual formation and the complex matters of life.  So much prayer.

I have truly loved being in my office.

But now I am just as truly glad for Erin, to entrust it to her.  For her to finally have a space where she can concentrate and spread out a little and have actual shelves for her books.  To let it become a sacredness of its own for the ministry God has so clearly called her to at Highview.

AND, while it will be different, I am also looking forward to setting up and settling in to my space downstairs at home that will become "the office" for all the new things God is bringing.  Another sacred space no doubt.

2.  Sabbath and Restoration

When it was first suggested that a six month hiatus would be in order, and that this would start at the beginning of the summer, more or less, it wasn't hard to imagine myself being up at the cottage for as much of it as possible.  In this time of letting go and moving toward new things, there has been for me a strong sense that God is calling me to a time of deep rest.  To just be for a bit.  Not to put too much on the calendar.  Not to expect too much of myself.  To release the sense of responsibility and availability the pastoral life demands, and just sit in unhurried ways for a bit, to listen.  To grieve what I've left behind.  To prepare for what's to come.

A big part of this for me is to refocus on the self care of eating properly, exercising more expansively, and just being quiet. This deep invitation by God is matched by deep longing in my soul.  I am curious to know who will emerge from this extended time of sabbath.

 3.  Directed Reading and Research

I'm working, ever so slowly, on this Masters of Divinity degree at Tyndale University and Seminary.  Ever.  So.  Slowly.  During the time of my life when I was fully engaged as the pastor of a local church, I was really only able to do one, maybe two credits per year.  Now, with just five more to go, I am hoping, planning, exited to think about getting this done in good time.

For right now, I have been approved to earn a needed Christian Education Elective credit through something called a Directed Reading and Research course.  Basically, I will be working with a professor towards the out-of-class work described in the syllabus we have created together.  The fancy title for this course is "Incarnational Cross-Cultural Christian Education:  Strategies Toward Reciprocal Learning".  I don't blame you if that doesn't sound as thrilling to you as it does to me, but I am actually really pumped about it!!!  It includes a six week 'on the ground' component where I will be at Hot Springs actually teaching.  And it includes a final research paper that touches on some of the passions I've been developing in incarcational ministry, that maybe, hopefully, perhaps could end up being expanded into a body of work that might actually be helpful in this field.

This is already underway and I'm already putting time and brain power towards it.  And if all goes well, it will all be completed around the same time as the six months is done.

 4.  Hot Springs

Of course.  It goes without saying that with six months 'free' my heart would pull me to the other side of the world.  Truth is, I miss them all the time, I just do.  So two trips are planned within this six months.  One will be a shorter trip in July, and then the six week stint described above.

Already, even in preparing for July, I am thoroughly enjoying the time I have to give better preparation to sermons and lessons taught while there.  I have been told by Thais that the general impression is that Western Christians are better theologically trained than their Asian counterparts, mostly, only because of available schools and resources.  I am not entirely convinced this is true.  Either way, it seems only fitting to share what little experience and education I have been given with Suradet and Yupa, the children, the dear folks at Hot Springs Church, and perhaps other pastors who badly need encouragement and training.  Encouraging other Thai pastors is another growing passion of my heart.

All this is the beginning formation of the role of Missionary In Residence.  Even though I won't be back at Highview until December, the ministry in Thailand continues and I will be doing more of the work I love in supporting what Suradet and Yupa are doing with our kids.

5.  Other Wonderful Things

In a more general way, there are lots of things that will keep me occupied any time I'm not doing what I've just described.  For example, our house needs a lot of work.  I have a list for that too (and yes, you just heard my husband groan).

As well, it will be very lovely for me to be able to be more of a 'Go to Gramma' for PD Days, sick days, and other school holidays.  The priority of being a energetic part of my grandchildren's lives can now have more room.



So that's what I think will keep me moving, growing, leading, loving, and otherwise occupied from the end of May until the beginning of December.  It's a lovely list.

And as I have often said, I am unspeakably grateful for the abundant life I am living.  I could never have imagined it.  Really.

Makes me curious to see what God's got in mind for this next phase of my life.