Daughter Knot

 

There’s something about being away from what you do that helps to remind you of who you are.

Like most of us, I find the roles of my life seductive.  As if what I am called by any group of folks on any given day actually defines the substance of my life.    As if the work that I do bears weight on my value and gains me permission to be on the planet.  As if the status and credibility I carry, by virtue of these roles or this work, in any way measures my soul.  As if.  It can’t. 

I know this but I am caught up in it all just the same.  And I don’t even sense it.  Until I am away.  And  then it’s just me sitting on the dock doing nothing much really.  Not checking things off a list or anything at all that would make anyone notice anything about me except maybe that I come down here every evening to just sit.  And for a little bit, I am uncomfortable with this.

Yes, I think it’s good to press myself into my work.  When I’ve found myself fully engaged in what I do, sometimes in formal paid positions, sometimes as the mom of young children, sometimes as a volunteer, sometimes in a faraway place, this is a good space to be.  Waking up each day anticipating the difference I can make is a gift.  And if there are titles or bits of status and credibility that some (not all) of this work brings with it, then okay.  I hope can carry that lightly.  Because it’s not who I am.

Right?

Then who am I?

I admit that in this first stage of holidays called ‘decompression’  the seduction of my roles can leave me feeling adrift.   And in this particular post-60^th-birthday era of my life, with some significant changes looming ahead, the absence of the illusion of being so very badly needed, even just for this short time while I’m away right now, for now, is more than just a little unnerving.

Yet ironically, it’s here by the water I come again and again to what seems to be the deepest sense of myself.  I recall the name I boil down to when everything else is stripped away and there’s nothing I’m expected to do in this moment of being.    The presence of a Father in the absence of my striving reminds me that beyond all good and true names I might be called, the one that can’t ever change or be taken away or be forgotten .... is Daughter.

I wrap myself around and tight to this sense of me.  I experience in ways unexplainable His wrapping tight around me.   And we sit to watch the setting sun together.   Because nothing in this moment is about what I do.  It’s not. It’s about who I am. 

And actually, more than that, it’s about Who He is.

Of Naps and Self-Reflections

 

On a coolish day at the cottage, four days in, I am wrapped in a blanket, holding a cup of tea, looking out over the water, and making a weak and slow attempt to disengage from responsibility.

This is normal.  Going from full-out to dead-stop isn’t a reasonable expectation for anyone.  Unwinding takes time, and silence, and low cloudy days like today.

This time, though, I find myself with more than the usual to unpack.  The season ended with two significant marking moments for me; one being my 60^th birthday, and the other being the 20^th anniversary of the community of faith where I serve as senior pastor

And both of these - my birthday and the anniversary - have brought their own and overlapping opportunities for reflection and evaluation.  Very strongly.  And all at once.   When it was all happening I didn’t notice it.  But now that I’m here, away from the midst of it, I find the degree of ‘assessment’ I’ve been under, mostly from myself, quite weighty. 

We can’t help it, I don’t think, this looking-back-to-evaluate thing we do.  Not if we care, not if we live with purpose.  It’s needful, in fact, to take stock, measure, analyze, if we are to achieve our goals and live up to our personal mission statement.   An honest look at both our accomplishments and failures makes room for growth towards a stronger future.  That’s what I hope for myself.  That’s what I hope for the church I love and lead. 

I am nowhere near properly sorting out how things went down just before I left.  But in these limbo days of not yet figuring it out between naps, I find it helpful to bear in mind a few things I know about life and ministry that aids in a more accurate self-reflection. 

1.       God wastes nothing.  However my self-reflection goes down, it’s imperative to bear in mind that in God’s economy, nothing that’s done for Him is wasted.  One of my all time favourite texts to rest on during this process is 1 Corinthians 15:58  “Therefore my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.”   If I’m tempted to bemoan a discrepancy between effort and results, I must come back to understand that every ounce of energy, every sacrifice, every late bedtime or early meeting, every penny, every frustration, insult received, sermon or meal delivered....it’s not been in vain.    How many stories are out there where someone did something almost obscure, and it ended up making a huge difference for a struggling soul?  Like that.  Only we don’t always get to hear the stories.  We just stay faithful.

2.       God’s measurements are inverted.   First to last.  Greatest to least.  So much of what we tend to measure as success is around having a ‘big’ impact.  Numerics are everything.  Optics count.  It’s hard to live in a mega-sized world when you serve a regular-sized community of faith, or business or family or anything.  Except Jesus keeps pointing us towards the little things.  Like cups of cold water, or feeding a hungry person, or clothing the naked, or visiting someone in prison.   In the Bible, if there’s a big impact numerically, it’s recorded because it’s so unusual (Eg. Acts 2:41).  Normally, the stories of the Bible are about individuals, or tiny clusters of folks who are just out there doing their thing bravely. 

3.       God made me for this.  For me, my ‘this’ right now is to shepherd an eclectic and grace-filled community of Jesus-followers, leading us collaboratively toward fulfilling the Great Commission and the Great Commandment.  My ‘this’ also takes me to another family half way around the world to live and love in a completely different culture, and help in the nurturing of at risk children who now have a home.  I do these things imperfectly for certain, but with the gifts, temperament and wiring God saw fit to include when He created me.  And He didn’t make a mistake.  I remind myself of this because the temptation to compare myself with others who lead differently, serve differently according to how God made them, can sometimes get in my way on the journey to fully embracing myself.  In taking stock, I’m not to measure myself against another’s standard of success.  Any assessment of value has to ask, ‘Have I been true to who I was created to be and what I’ve been called to do?’

These three things guide me.  Over the next weeks my reflections will take more specific tones.  As I embark on my annual reading of last season’s journal, I know from experience that the Spirit will direct many important reflections of correction, encouragement, rebuke and affirmation.  But not just yet.  I’m still just concentrating on breathing more slowly.

Now it’s raining, gentle and lulling, which only makes me want to go take another nap.  This is recovery in process, and I seem to have no choice but to give it sway.  I’m so grateful for all the rich and demanding gifts of my life, the hard work to do, the small things to offer in the name of Jesus.  And I’m also grateful for this place and time, to sort it all out, and rise up the better for it. 

After a nap.

Remembering to Be

It hangs there, all pristine and fairy-like, 

pausing between what was and what is about to be.   

And this is me.

-------

I am awake when I should be sleeping because I don't have a switch to turn off my brain.  It will be a few days, I think, before I am really 'away', even though my body leaves tomorrow.  My soul hangs delicately, clutching to the work I must eventually release if I am to lift off on the breezes of rest these next four weeks will offer.

There seems to be a more tenacious clutching this year.  The season just past required more of me in some ways than I can remember in a very long time.  A full-out engagement, a relentless pursuit, the sometimes chaotic dance of 'team', an alert and careful mind, and that exhausting work of a surrendered soul.  All of which I did so imperfectly.  Which is why I'm conscious of having to let it go, of that being hard to do.  I evaluate and assess and second guess, instead of sleep.

Quiet waters are waiting.  And the absence of the tyranny of the urgent.  Less of a need to be doing and more of the permission to just be.  Fewer mirrors, both real and metaphorical, will provide better opportunity to see my reflection instead in the eyes of the One who thought I was to die for.

And He will remind me,
I hope,
of who I am
in the absence of expectation.

With God, Sometimes, It Is Just For Me

 

Psalm 71:17-18

How cool is this? I am marking two very significant milestones in my life, both happening this week; one was today with Highview's 20th Anniversary, and one is Thursday with my 60th birthday. Because these moments are so significant to me I bought myself a new Bible as a reminder of God's goodness in my life.

This is probably the first 'substantial' Bible I have ever owned, having always purchased cheaper, paperbacks in the past. But this one, this one should last for a long time.

But here's the cool thing. The ribbon bookmark that comes with, was placed on the very page of the verses I am claiming for this 60th Birthday, and which totally connects with my ministry life as a pastor.

"Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and grey, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come."

These verses resonate deep within me in this season of my life.  I still have so much excitement and energy for learning and leading and preaching and serving, and I can't wait to see what God has for me.  Honest, this turning 60 thing rocks!  And the opportunity to look back and see God's work over a lifetime?  Priceless.  So for these verse to have been right in the middle of the Bible I chose to mark these milestones.....Beautiful!

Okay, I know. The book mark was placed in the middle of the book and that's where Psalms happen to be. But still.

I am taking this as a tender affirmation by my Heavenly Father who sees all that is offered in public and in secret, is merciful toward human frailty, and understands the motives of the heart.

Today was a significant day at Highview, and we sought to bring focus and honour to God, and to the founding Elders of our church. This though. This was like a special gift to my heart, just for me from God, to mark this day in a way I very much needed.

I am in awe. I am grateful.

An Open Letter from Highview's Pastors for our 20th Anniversary

Philippians 1:3-7

I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

June 4, 2017 

My Dear Highview Beloveds,

Yes!  This!

I don’t know if it’s something of a pastoral cliché or not.  But Paul’s words to the Philippians just rang too true for me not to include them in my 20^th  Anniversary letter to all of you. 

I DO thank God every time I think of you.  Every time.  When I look back over 20 years and see who we’ve become together, all that we’ve been through, the gains and losses, blessings and curses, and all the ordinary stuff of living out kingdom realities together, as we’ve sought to simply Love God, Love People, Go and Grow.  Every bit of it, and I mean that.  Because you have demonstrated grace and generosity and openness and resilience every step of the way. 

And the partnership we’ve shared in the gospel DOES bring me huge joy.  HUGE.  When I see how you respond with passion and persistence to the needs of our now-extended family that somehow, by God’s hilarious imagination, actually includes treasured loved ones from both around the world and just down the street. 

And without question, God continues His good work in us.  Any of us who are using our gifts, stepping out to take risks spiritually, or gaining ground in defeating the chains of the past.  Anyone pushing aside the compulsion to ask, “What’s in this for me?”,and instead reaching out to those around you to ask “Can I help you with anything?” Any one of us who understand better now than we did before how to pursue intimacy with God, how to steward what He’s given us, and how to be salt and light in the world around us.  Anyone who’s crossed that line of faith, been baptized and declares to the world that Jesus is the One we follow.  All of this and more is evidence of the work of God’s Spirit among us.  Work that He’s not completed yet, but which is clearly being accomplished in us in that magnificent, ongoing way He’s famous for.

Which makes a 20^th Anniversary more of a beginning than anything else.

Because here we go, into the future.  Big changes are ahead, which means all the more opportunity for God to do His good work among us.  Because change requires reflection and openness and growth and courage and a love for what we’re doing that transcends a love for what we’ve been.  So with all my heart I lean forward with you into what God will unfold for us in these next years; three, five, ten....20. 

Thank you.  Thank you for being you.  For allowing me this great honour of walking with you these past 20 years, some of them your pastor, but all of them your friend.

Thank you for your faithfulness.  Always.

I love you with all of my heart.

Ruth Anne

 

June 2017

 

Dear Friends,

Wow! 20 years! 

My family and I are newer members of this community than some of you. Dave and I first began attending Highview in the summer of 2010, after moving to Waterloo Region from Hamilton. I had had some interactions with Highview in the past (I attended Pitch and Praise with Highview’s youth group when I was in high school!) so when we found ourselves looking for a church community in the region, this seemed like a good place to start.  

I knew a few of you coming in, and through the same friend that brought me to “Pitch,” I knew some of your stories too. 

From the beginning, I confess that it was your stories that drew me. I was intrigued. I was curious. I wanted to know how God could bring such very different people together and make that work. I wanted to know how a church could come through some of what you came through, and still be loving one another and loving God. 

Seven years later, it is your stories that draw me still. They are stories of courageous grace, powerful and transformative. They are stories of how the Spirit drew you out of your comfort zone into creative new ideas, like TGIF and Let it Be Christmas. They are stories about courage, whether that means stepping outside your walls into Regions Beyond, or simply choosing forgiveness when holding a grudge seemed like the logical option. And they are stories of welcome, about how God welcomed you, and now you make it your business to welcome others in His name. 

Your stories are beautiful, Highview, and if there’s one thing I want to say to you as we move out beyond the 20-year mark, it’s that God’s not done writing our story yet! 

There is much to celebrate, and there is much still to come. As we step forward into Vision 2020, and beyond, I find myself excited! Excited for how God is leading us deeper into relationships in our immediate neighbourhood. Excited by your compassion for the poor and displaced, which is breaking through in initiatives like Friends Without Borders, and excited to watch our young adults run with the baton of leadership and faith handed to them by Highview’s founders. 

I am so very thankful for how you have welcomed me into your story, Highview, and I am very excited to see what the next chapter of our story might hold. 

Erin