The View From Here

One of many lookout points along the Interstate, West Virginia

As much as I hate to admit it, I really need this.

To get my head up and out of, my cherished routines, as needful as they are.  To pull away, far away, for a little bit from all the thinking and doing.  To drive through the mountains and sometimes just stop and get out of the car and just make our eyes happy with how far they can see.  And not check that off a list.

New River Gorge, W. Virginia

This 'data-gathering' little drive down to North Carolina for the weekend does more than satisfy our curiosity about a particular project we have in mind.  It is a chance to be together and plan together and laugh together, and stop and be amazed together at the capacity of creation to show off.  And just to capture, and be captured by, the view from here.

They're beautiful, the mountains.  In brilliant sunlight or clutching wisps of clouds, early in the morning or as the sun is setting, all of it.   Especially this time of year. 

And I can't help but compare.  And sigh a little for mountains that capture me in similar ways, half way around the world.

Sunset en route to Suradet's Village, Fall 2015

 There too I find my eyes are hungry for this perspective.  Creation shows off a Mighty handiwork.  I am reminded of my need, and marvel again at the wonders of dignity and being raised up to stand on mountains beyond myself. 

November's flowers, close to Suradet's Village, Fall 2015

Who am I?  I ask it again but not in angst but wonder.  So small against this backdrop, yet lavished with this and other unspeakable graces.

 "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the skies.

Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,

Your justice like the great deep."

Psalm 36:5-6

Morning Mist, Suradet's Village, Fall 2015

A Song for the Good Men

Here's to my brothers;
the strong ones,
the humble ones,
who have respected me
and welcomed me
and marched beside me in the wretchedness
we equally oppose.

Here's to my brothers;
the gentle ones,
the true ones,
who've taught me so much
by being willing to learn from me
and have grown together with me in the ignorance
we equally admit.

Here's to my brothers;
the special ones,
the ones I regard as astonishing gifts
in a life that could have been lesser than,
except that you championed for me
advocated for me,
gave me a voice where I was voiceless,
and unleashed me to become
all I was created female to be.

Here's to my brothers;
who have never demeaned me,
or taken credit for my ideas,
or taken advantage of my servant heart,
or called my head little or pretty,
or suggested I wasn't enough,
or dismissed my opinions,
or my feelings.

Here's to my brothers
who have never, ever touched me in unwanted ways,
or made me feel unsafe,
or reduced themselves to something they're not
by behaving or speaking things
that only hurt us both.

My life is rich with all of you.
You are many.
You are faithful.
You are beautiful.
You are not painted with the same brush,
not at all.
You are a treasure to humanity.

And I ask forgiveness for times I was angry with all of you
for what some others had done,
not you.
Because I love you.
I need you.
And I will sing this song always,
for all the good men.

So Here's What's Happening

It's time to write it out, and put it out there, the enormous, wonderful, terrifying, sad and happy thing that's been unfolding for the past two years or so (depending on how we measure time on this stuff).

As of May 27, 2018 I will no longer be Senior Pastor at Highview Community Church, and will embark on an expanded adventure into all that God is doing at Hot Springs Church in Thailand.

There.  I said it.  Somehow saying it 'out loud' like this helps make it sound more real.  Because, to be honest, I'm finding it hard to believe, even after this slow and careful process, that this is really what's happening.  But it is.

On Wednesday, September 27, 2017 the Members of Highview Community Church took the last step in an official nine-month process, and strongly affirmed our Associate Pastor Erin Wildsmith to step into the Senior Pastor role at Highview next spring.  I will continue as Senior Pastor until May 27th, after which time I will take a six month hiatus from attendance at Highview, and then return in an unpaid, separately-funded capacity as Missionary In Residence.

This has been a work in progress for some time.

Yes, how do you measure the timelines on these things?  Because in a way, I could say that this has been in the works since I was eleven when I first felt a 'call' to Southeast Asia.  I could say that this has been what God was providing for when I didn't end up a career missionary as a young woman, but married instead a man who would prove to be the exactly perfect partner for ministry both here and abroad.  I could say that this was furthered in purpose when Suradet, in a pastor-to-pastor, heart-to-heart conversation six years ago, shared his vision for an expanded ministry from Hot Springs Church, and invited me to ask God if I might partner with him and Yupa in it.


I could say that it's been forming slowly over the past nine years as I have felt an undeniable pull towards this land and this people so very different from my own, but with whom I am feeling more and more at home. I could say that it had a strong movement in this direction when a smart and eager- to-learn seminary student named Erin asked if she could intern at Highview, based largely on a curiosity and pull on the part of both herself and her husband to get to know our community better.  I could say it gained urgency and energy when, in the summer of 2016, it became obvious that for various reasons Highview would require some restructuring, and that staffing would be a significant part of that.

And then, the real work began.

Real work for us as leaders at Highview committed to a consensus-oriented decision making process, to seeking discernment in community, listening and praying and listening some more so as not to make any knee-jerk decisions about something so precious to our hearts as the beautiful, grace-filled community that is Highview.

Real work for our people as they heard the presentation of ideas that seemed somewhat premature, given it hadn't looked like Ruth Anne was going anywhere for a little while yet, and everyone kind of thinking that in some ways we weren't broke so why fix it?

Real work for Erin and the nothing-short-of-brutal process it is when a congregation has to get their head around the kinds of change we were presenting, and how much it feels like something it's not, and putting aside ego and agendas, which she did with astonishing grace, revealing a stellar character all the way.

Real work for me, who in so many ways does not want to leave this work and the people I love so deeply in my being, and into whom have poured myself for twenty years and more.  But I love Highview more than I love my position among them.  I love God's ideas more than any plans I try to make for myself.

And so we pursued it.  All the way. And here we are.  And it's really happening.

It is way too soon to be saying goodbyes or determining details for the next steps.  My focus and concentration will be firmly on finishing well, leading and loving right to the last possible moment.  So, while ideas are formulating and some needful things are already falling into place, I will leave the fleshing out of my own next steps for future blogs as they unfold more clearly before me.

I do want to say, in case it's been left unsaid, how wildly and deeply and fully I love Highview Community Church.  You are an unusually grace-filled people among whom I am honoured and blessed to pursue my own spiritual formation.

I do want to say, in case it's been left unsaid, how astonished and beyond-words grateful I am for my husband Ken who is with me all the way on this, and with whom I eagerly anticipate moving into these next things, very much together.

I do want to say, in case it's been left unsaid, how impressed I am with the character and spirit and capacity of Erin Wildsmith, with whom I have had the deep pleasure of growing and being challenged by and watching God at work in her.  Highview is in good hands.

And very personally, I do want to say, in case it's been left unsaid, that I am completely surprised and profoundly grateful that God would take a timid, bullied, insecure 11 year old girl, and lovingly walk her through a whole big life, providing her with opportunities beyond herself, with mentors and supports all along the way, into adventures she never, in a million years, would have imagined for herself.

So that's what's happening; then, now and beyond.

Jesus promised abundant life (John 10:10).
It is.

Weird Waiting

Heat wave begins the fall season
and I am summer-girl happy.
More time outside;
by the pond to write sermons,
on the patio to journal and read,
in the yard to snip away all the dead stuff around the fences.


 

More time
to make friends with the home-chipmunks
to wear flip flops
to experiment with ice tea recipes
to quietly water the flowers at the end of the day.

 

Happy in the still-summer.
But it's kinda a weird.

So with the weirdness of summer-now-that-it's-fall
comes a congruence.
Yes.
Weird.
That's what this is.

Six weeks since arriving back from the cottage,
then Thailand,
attempting a non-weird re-entry,
but no,
because -- waiting.

Six weeks of waiting on a process, soon to be complete,
that has rushed by in a prolonged sort of way.
that will change everything about what I do
in dramatic
exciting
terrifying
wonky
ways.

Six weeks of waiting for the distance to be okay,
which it never really is,
but gets to a place of tolerance
usually by now.

Six weeks of waiting
now waiting for Wednesday.

Six weeks of jep-jai (heart pain)
now waiting for January.

Six weeks of trying to find my stride.
Some days traction.
Some days scrambling.
Other days just feeling off.

Yes.
Weird.
That's what it is.
Like a heat wave at the end of September
that prolongs the changing of the season.

I like the heat but I don't like the six weeks of weird.
And maybe
also
I do.

Because waiting in the weird pushes me;
deeper into listening,
lower into humility
higher into breathless risk-taking,
further into trust,
harder into surrender,
where the waiting becomes something unto itself.


 

Waiting when it's still summer waiting to be fall.
Waiting when it's still now waiting for it to be new.

Waiting with You
with You waiting with me.

A Tribute To Two Fine Women

Four days back.

I find these first days are an experience of limbo.  My body comes back first, followed by my mind.  But my soul hangs somewhere between for a while longer, taking its time to absorb the distance and all that's transpired while I've been away.

In these first days of processing this particular trip, I am inclined to be sure to say thank you to my teammates, Andrea and Esther.  I had no doubt from the outset that it would be a stellar experience to visit Hot Springs with these two fine women, given their past ventures to Thailand and the eager, curious, honest way of their souls, each of them.

In particular I appreciate:

• A sense of mutual respect despite the 40 year age gap.
• Their willingness to fully immerse themselves in the life and culture of our Thai family.
• Their delight and joy in the children.
• How they each took initiative in various ways, contributing to music and games and language study.
• Our honest conversations around the dinner table, touching on just about everything!
• Their deeper understanding of this whole big deal being a relationship and not a project.
• Their clever but always respectful senses of humour.
• Their ability to ride with the differences in climate and culture that can sometimes wear on us 'farangs'.
•  Their commitment to Jesus and figuring out how to follow Him authentically in our ever-changing world.
• The excellent role models they are to our Thai kids at Hot Springs, and our Highview kids back home.

For Esther in particular, this picture captures her sense of wonder and worship in just about everything she does.  If you get the chance, ask her about our time on the bouncy castle with the kids.  It was an experience for sure.  But the thing is, Esther throws herself into everything like this.  And for three trips now, this has made a huge impression and contribution to the work at Hot Springs.
 

This wide delight on Andrea's face captures her total willingess to allow these kids into her heart.  This is particularly impressive since her previous trip to Thailand (not to Hot Springs) with YWAM exposed her to what it means to love them when you know you have to painfully leave part of your heart with them when it's time to go home.

These first days back, within all of what I am discovering that I have brought home with me this time, without question, I am a richer person for having spent time with Andrea and Esther.  They will not soon be forgotten at Hot Springs, for sure. 

Andrea, Esther, thank you.   Praying for us all as we 'unpack'.

Who Gently Restores

I am at least partly to blame for what happens at worship this evening.

My brilliant idea is to form two circles, one inside the other and facing each other so that we could go through the introduction phrases we've learned in English.  The outside circle was to move on my call, and each new partner would exchange a different phrase.  And it would have worked, I think, had I not by accident ended up making the inner circle boys and the outer circle girls.

Even before this Thai culture faux pas, the kids are a bit rangy tonight.  Easily distracted, not really engaging in the lesson like they usually do.  An unexpected guest has detained both Suradet and Yupa, so there's the added factor of the absence of 'the parents' that may or may not have left room for the sillies to squeeze in.

I'm not sure where it breaks down, but I suspect there is some teasing going on, on the part of the slightly older boys with their slightly younger sisters.  And the sisters are not taking it well, making faces and even - yes, our sweet Thai girls - swinging out a foot to bang on a big brother's shin in protest.

This is not behaviour I've observed here before.  So I stop the exercise, express appropriate amounts of displeasure, and move us quickly to another part of the lesson.  Later, when Suradet has arrived, I say so again, with the help of translation.  "This is not okay", I state simply and rather directly.

So it's Suradet's own response at the very end of the evening that puts me to pondering the gentleness factor.  And this behaviour, what he does with the misbehaviour, I have observed here before.  I might call it the Thai-style scolding.  Only 'scolding' isn't really what happens.

Suradet is a master at using humour and slight exaggeration to get the point across.  He reminds us all what good Thai manners look like, demonstrating how it's NOT done to contrast the good behaviour he is hoping to inspire.  His soft-clown routine is well received, and honestly just a lot of fun to watch.

Taking the opportunity further, he introduces another apparently correction-worthy subject of late, that being the care one should take in proper personal hygiene.  He talks about clean fingernails, combed hair, and daily showers.  This prompts several of the boys to take a quick sniff of their armpits to check on things.  Bang gives himself a thumbs up.  There's a lot of giggling and mutual encouragement.  High fives. Smiles.  All the while paying respectful attention to Suradet and his 'scolding'.

Why do we in the West always tend to bring out the cannons when all we need is a water gun?

And not just in dealings with children, but in our interactions with one another?  It's a skill we lost somehow, most of us at least, on the way up the ladder of efficiency and individualism and achievement and the 'good life' and the insatiable need to be right, to be first.  We are quick to judge and express that judgement.  We somehow admire leaders especially when they 'cut through the crap' and 'tell it like it is', regardless of the damage that can be done.  We value 'truth' over 'relationship' far more than we realize, I'm thinking now as I listen to Suradet.  When did we lose the ability to be gentle while saying what needs to be said?  Some of us anyways.  Me included. 

Maybe I hear a protest.  Western culture does not lack gentleness, it might be argued.  And true enough, I am grateful for those in my world back at home who demonstrate this gentle way in how they speak and respond and think and love.  I am grateful for you.

But here it's not a 'thing', something to work on, to try to be mindful of.  It just is.  It's breathed, it's part of the DNA of the culture.  Hard to explain unless you come here to receive it for yourself. 

I am a beyond-word grateful receiver of this gentleness, badly needed in the in between of ministry seasons.  Things said to me, things I've said, leave wounds this gentleness touches with healing.

As is always the case when I'm here,
I learn. 
I breath it in. 
I want to lead from this.
I want to live from this. 

Games and Grace and Space for Me

Bang

It's a wild and laughing game best played with a whole whack of people in a large space, and it's called "Octopus!"  I'm pretty sure it was Erin Wildsmith (Highview's Associate Pastor) that introduced it to Hot Springs first, and it has become a hands-down favourite.  It's the first thing Mee-oo will ask me that first night we are here.

The object of the game is to be the last one standing, not caught by either the Octopus or the seaweed, earning you the right to become the next Octopus.  There is crazy running from one end of the room to the other, until, if you are tagged, you are now part of the seaweed that must attempt to tag other runners.

The kids love it.  It's especially endearing in that they pronounce it "OctoPOOOT!"  And in fact, everyone, even the English speakers, call it that now. 

We are playing it on Friday night after evening worship when I find quite suddenly that I am yet again the learner in this remarkable place of love and life.   Because something unusually normal happens that catches my heart.

May

May is one of the smallest, youngest girls.  For this she lacks nothing in oomph and enthusiasm for the game.  But her small size has left her 'stranded' on the far wall.  The Octopoot, in this case Any, is zig zagging threateningly in front of her.  It looks like May's destiny to become seaweed is certain.

But then, without any prompting whatsoever, about five of the slightly older boys come running from their already safe place to distract the Octopoot and rescue their little sister.  It's a group effort, each one taunting Any to come run after him instead.  And it works.  Any pursues Bang, a bigger faster runner, and May is given an open space of grace through which she can escape.  She boots it across the floor and is safe for another turn.  Bang and the other boys also return to safety.  The strategy was a success.

I am moved with affection as I watch this.  I've seen this kind of thing here before often, and it sort of stands out, I'm afraid.  It's not a common a thing for children, or even adults, to behave this way in our Western 'every soul for themselves', independent way of being.  Yes, children at home, and the rest of us, can be kind, for sure.  But that this so easily comes to mind for these 'older brothers' is what I find so lovely.

And this seems to me a way of being I desperately need myself.   May is me, caught against bigger things than I can handle.  Without the initiative of older, bigger, stronger family (not necessarily blood, as is also true at Hot Springs), I would be certain of entanglements and set backs, and perhaps....and this sobers me....perhaps even being disqualified from the game altogether.  I need help to make it, to open the space of grace so I can run free and wild to the other side with a chance to face the challenges again. 

I am quiet as we head back to our rooms this night.  There is such humbling here.  I am always more the receiver than ever I am the giver here. 

What could I have ever possibly done to deserve this constant fount of love and life and learning? 

Oh yeah.  Nothing.  Grace makes this space too.