Of Walks in the Sunshine, Ice Caps and Having a Pristine Heart

I am reveling today.

They say a storm is coming later this week, so I think it wise to get myself outside.  My license reinstatement is still in process, so it's a walk I have in mind.  I hike myself and my rolling backpack down to Tim Hortons, Steve Bell accompanying me through the music files I have but barely use on my phone.

When I get there I sit in the sunshine and work on my Thai.  And yes, I have a 'cheating ice cap'.  They're supposed to be my Saturday treat, but my confession is that in these days of non-driving frustration I've had more than a fair share of 'cheating ice caps.'  Never mind.  It's wonderful, and so is the winter sun coming in the window.

I stay here, enjoying all the combined life of that, for two hours.   The movement of my body through the fresh air.  The reviving of my soul as the music feeds me.  The energy of the sunshine.  The joyful surprise of all I still know in Thai, discovering that I can read phrases I couldn't recognize before.

A day off with two indulgent hours to work on just - one - thing! 

The 'mindfulness' of it that eludes me in these days of oh so many details to negotiate, is amazing!  Feels so good not to be thwarted by immobility, or to be an inconvenience to anyone, or to be coordinating a ride, or to be filling out medical forms, or to be hurrying to be ready for my driver.....for two whole hours!

I revel.

Walking back I am conscious of my heartbeat, strong and steady.  Last week my cardiac test results were 'pristine'.  That's the word the doctor used.  Both tests, the two that are essential to have done in order to satisfy the medical review board at the Ministry of Transport, came back showing that my heart is strong, perfect even, medically speaking.

I ponder this designation of 'pristine'.

Health wise, it's a great thing to know, and later (much later I'm guessing) I will likely count this as one of the 'gifts' of having had my license suspended.  To know this, especially as I continue to travel back and forth across the globe, is a helpful thing.

Theologically, I also know this to be a great gift.  The most amazing gift ever, actually.  Something that enhances my Lenten meditations.  That Christ's sacrifice for me washes me.  That my standing before a holy God is made right because of Jesus' exchange.  That my heart, once 'crimson' is now considered 'white as snow', 'pristine'  (Isaiah 1:18).

Practically speaking, however, in real time?  The truth is that my heart has been considerably less than 'pristine' as I've kicked against this deprivation of freedom and independence.  I've allowed the anger and frustration of it to make me impatient and irritable.  My compassion has run on low, and my lack of control over this one aspect of my life causes me to grasp for more control elsewhere.  I'm not loving well, I'm not leading well.  Not like I want to be, anyways.

And some days, it seems I've completely forgotten Who I belong to, and Who it is Who gets to call the shots.  And it's not me.  Clearly.  Or I'd have my license back by now.

So today with a forgiven heart, I revel and remember.

I turn up into my driveway realizing I've just had a holy, re-framing, soul-stilling, 'pristine' string of moments.

And it does my heart good.