The Disquieting Openness of Soul

"It is through gratitude for the present moment 

that the spiritual dimension of life opens up."

Eckhart Tolle

Being fully engaged in the moment.

It's a practice I've been seeking to develop for the past several years, but which seems all the more important and vivid in this particular season of my life.

Tolle's quote above adds a fresh dimension of this for me, something that makes perfect sense but I just haven't thought of it in this way before.  It's not just about being 'fully present' in each moment.  It's also about taking advantage of an essential opportunity for gratitude.

This is not as easy as it seems, I am finding.

Anyone can stop and soak gratefully in the moment when we're standing on the beach at sunset, or a humming bird hovers intimately close for several moments, or when we're holding a newborn, or reading to a grandchild, or hiking in the woods, or....any of the 'moments' we all long for in seeking some centering or serenity in our lives.   When there's something concrete to be grateful for.

But what about the other moments?

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  Paul might even come across as being glib in his letter to the Thessalonians (1 Thess. 5:16-18).  Except we know how many moments he was "present in" that were anything but centering and serene.

I haven't got this down.

Sometimes I think I do.

When I've calmed my mind enough to sit on the dock for long periods of time without the need to rush away from the sunset.  Or to wait patiently with a peanut for the next chipmunk to trust me.  Or to simply revel in the cozy joy of a fleece blanket on a coolish night.  I can be very present and very grateful in those moments.

Or even when in my crises experiences, where I can grab hold of an unnatural sense of calm to navigate the storm.  Being fully present in the unknown, embracing the ambiguity of outcomes, choosing not to panic pre-emptively.  Staying steady, even grateful, for each moment of an upheaval.  If I can to that, I say to myself, then I must have mastered this 'present with gratitude in the moment' thing pretty okay.

But what about the other moments; moments of quiet, prolonged disorientation?  What about the times when you're not where you feel you should be on a given day of the week?  Or you've reached for your paper clips in the wrong drawer for the umpteenth time that morning because everything about your work space is still so new?  Or something beautiful and needed is just oh so conspicuous by its absence.  What then?

So I keep practicing.  And in so doing, I find Tolle's words to be so true.

In fact, I would say that my own personal experience is this:  That in those moments of being fully present, even when it means embracing the disquiet of my own soul, that seems to be where I hear God's voice most clearly.  Where spiritual dimensions do indeed open up for me.  Where the sin of my own certainties and arrogance of my own dogmas can be exposed.  Where the hard benefits of a long obedience in the same direction can be enjoyed.  Where I am most raw and real before the One who loves me outrageously anyways.

So here's my list, a sampling only, of what I am oh so grateful for about the right here, right now of my life.

• My grandchildren.
• Forty years of marriage.
• Another family on the other side of the world.
• A community of faith that just keeps being so astonishingly full of grace.
• The places where I belong.
• The generosity that makes what I do now possible.
• Friends who keep me honest.
• Sacred spaces to shelter the more dangerous parts of my journey.
• Food and clothes and a bed and a roof.
• Time to work deep and walk slow.
• A sense of just getting started.
• A strange sort of fasting that drills me down to what's actually important.
• Books!
• Mentors and teachers to press me forward.
• The wonder of being invited to mentor and teach others.
• An experience of God that is honest and humbling and takes my breath away.
• The pain of right now that reminds me of what's true.
• Being able now to see the bigger story God is writing for my life.
• Finally beginning to accept and embrace my human limitations.
• An identity of self that seems just now to be secure in ways that younger years could not allow.
• Realizing there's adventure and purpose ahead.

Yes.  This.