What Did She Say?

I find it fascinating that we're about to launch into a new series on communication at Highview, and I've had no less than four people in the last 24 hours bring to my attention some aspect of something I've said that hasn't been properly spoke.

Something I said or otherwise communicated did not go over well, was misunderstood, or poorly explained. Offense, hurt feelings, confusion.

Every one of the four people came to me with a great attitude, by the way. Makes it so much easier, and I so appreciated that. But by this point in the day, now that I've had a chance to ruminate on things, it's starting to pool in my soul and feel bigger than maybe it is.

Man, I hate it when this happens! Why is this whole business of 'message sent/message received' so very hard to do? Why is it that even when I think my heart is in the right place, my mouth is somewhere else?

About 10 years ago now, I was the driver for a car ride home for Ken's parents, both of whom were hard of hearing. We were bringing them back to the city from the cottage following a first time observation that they were not likely safe to be left on their own any more. The decision to shorten their time there had been made just the day before. It had taken diplomacy and tact, but the conversations leading up to this were still difficult.

And now the car ride, at the beginning anyways, was a quiet one. Ken was in our van, with all our holiday belongings and the two kids and the dog. I played driver for the two who didn't really think they needed to come home but had agreed to it anyways.

Part way home, Mother, who was in the back seat, asks Father, "Did you lock the back kitchen door?"

Father, who was in the passenger seat beside me, turns to me and says, "What did she say?"

I speak a little louder and say, "She said, Did you lock the back kitchen door?"

"Yes," he replies.

"What did he say?", Mother says from the back.

I increase my volume. "He said, Yes! He locked the back door!"

Silence for a bit. Then Mother speaks up again.

"Did he put the potatoes in the cupboard?"

"What did she say?" Father asks?

I speak loudly again. "She said, Did you put the potatoes in the cupboard?"

Ever notice that it's hard not to sound annoyed when you're repeating something louder?

Father replies simply, "Yes."

"What did he say?"

"HE SAID, YES. THE POTATOES ARE PUT AWAY!"

No comment from Mother, and we ride quietly again for just a few seconds. Then Father says to me, "She worries too much."

"What did he say?"

"HE SAID, HE THINKS YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!"

Mother grunts from the back seat. "Did not."

No, that's not what he said. And in that case it was a deliberate misinterpretation on my part, but still meant to communicate something light and fun and endearing. They got it by the way, and it eased the tension a bit.

That day in the car, acting as interpreter for two stressed, hard of hearing, very much loved and getting older parents, I didn't do too badly. They talked "through" me the entire ride, and we got on just fine. In fact, it remains one of the fondest memories I have of them together.

But of late, I'm not doing so fine in the interpretation and/or communication department, it would seem. For some I talk too much, for others I'm not connecting enough, and for others I'm saying stuff that's less than helpful, shall we say. And like I said, I'm grateful that this comes to me in the context of community and grace, which ironically makes it easier for me to listen, seek to make amends, and look for ways to improve. At least that's what I intend to do with what's been communicated to me. I hope. If I don't let it pool too much and instead focus on how this could help me be more of who I want to be.

James talks about being "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Sounds like a good formula. Sounds like who I want to be.

So, to help me in my learnings, I'd really be interested in anyone's stories or definitions or general thoughts about effective, healthy communication.

Meanwhile, if I've said anything lately.....