I've seen that quote in a few places lately, and even though I'm not sure who said it first, it seems to fit how I'm thinking and feeling about this return trip to Thailand.
In these last days of preparation, a lot of people have made comments about staying safe, expressing concerns not just about the traveling alone thing, or the staying healthy thing, but also about how the experience could "undo" me, like it did last time. And they're right. I did come home something of a mess last time, I admit it. There were parts of what we saw and did, and who we met and fell in love with that caused considerable pain for me and for the others on the team, both while we were there and afterward, as we "processed" everything. Many of you were part of the team that patiently walked me through the counter-culture-shock deal, and helped me cooperate with God in all the renovations to my soul He undertook because of it. Thanks again, by the way.
This time, however, I'm heading into an experience that will be different on a number of levels. For one, I've been there once so that initial shock factor, I expect will be less. (But I'll let you know if that's true or not.) Secondly, I have very different, i.e. lower, expectations of myself this time. I don't expect to be able to "DO" very much given the limitations of language and culture, not to mention that it's so stinkin' hot! Forget any ideas of being the "short term missionary" of the year, or anything like that. You can't. You're so far out of your own zone, you really can't do anything you're good at doing here. At least that's how I experienced it last time. So, I think I'm being more realistic about all of that this time.
Even so....even with the extra malaria medicine and the greater care I'll be taking in traveling alone. Even with the previous experience and the lower expectations.....there's a way in which I know, going in, I won't be "safe".
It's because of the children. It's like each small hand has grabbed a piece of my heart. Safe? No way is that a safe place, not if I don't want to get hurt with the loving of them. You can't enter into the lives of people living in the face of such enormous need and not get hurt. You can't love people in pain without feeling pain yourself. That's true here. It's true in Thailand.
Today Abby spent time at Gramma and Grandad's, and we talked a bit about Gramma leaving the next day. We've been talking about it a bit in the weeks leading up to it, so this morning it was Abby who reminded me of why I'm going. "To play with the childrens", she said.
That's right, sweetheart. To play with them, and let them wreck me again.
So, as I've promised, I will do everything under my control to stay well and arrive home as scheduled. But I'm thinking that the greater risks have to do with abandoning myself again to the deeper places of scary love God might want to take me, as He takes me again to a place called Hot Springs, half way around the world.
My flight is scheduled to take off from Toronto tomorrow (Tuesday) at 6:10 p.m. I have a layover in LA for five hours, which will be the middle of the night here, but may provide me an opportunity to connect again. No promises, but I'll try.
Feels like Christmas Eve!!
Ruth Anne
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