Half My Heart

What an odd sensation, to be so far away and feel like you're home.

It's not the heat, although that familiar blast hits you the minute you're actually off the plane and walking through the ramp. It's not the Thai script that now dominates all signage, even with helpful English subscripts below in enough places. It's not the layout of the airport or the knowing what will come next in terms of processing. It's not even in finding myself almost automatically and without much thought greeting each official first with the wai and being responded to in that gentle, now familiar manner.

It's not all that, although all that is also surprisingly familiar where it once threw me off into strangeness.

It's the people. It's the familiar faces standing on the other side of customs, who when they see you start jumping up and down and waving and grabbing each others' arms and bragging that they saw you first.

It's the hugs, long and hard, and the kissing of those same familiar, well loved faces, and the sense of joy that's electric between you. It's Suradet in getting-better-all-the-time English, in a moment of uncharacteristic-for-Thais vulnerability telling me that as he waited for us, knowing the time of our landing, "My heart," and then he taps his chest quickly saying, "pit, pit, pit" and knowing exactly what he means, not just because I feel know this brother so well by now, but because the same thing"s happening inside of me.

It's being surrounded by love and welcome and joyful reunion. And the connectedness of something so unlikely yet now so intrinsically part of my soul.

Last time here I sat with Miki under the shelter of the dining area at Hot Springs and tried to tell her. I drew a heart and sectioned off a good sized piece of it.. Then I drew a line out from that piece, and said, "Meung-Thai" (Thailand). She smiled and shook her head yes. Then changed it to a no shake, and took my notebook and pen from me. She then drew a line right down the middle, pointed to one side of it and said, "Ca-na-da." Then she pointed to the other side and said, with strength, in English, "Thai-land." And I looked at her and had to admit it. These people have so much of my heart it's scary.

So here I am again, home so far from home. In the crazy, stress-filled weeks preceding this, I've been having times with God that more resemble clutching than serenity. And I've asked Him how it could be that he would send me again, being as tired and depleted as I was. How could I arrive in such a state, I wondered. What good could I be to anyone?

God responds to my clutching like no one else does by holding me closer, grabbing on tighter than I am. And all I could hear Him whispering was that this wasn't about me or what I brought to the table. It was about what He has in mind to do, and that's all. Again I was invited/rebuked to abandon my plans and purposes, and release myself - and all these amazing Thai friends - to His.

Today will be recovery day. I have just woken up from two 5 hour sleeping stints, and while I am slightly groggy, I feel more rested this moment than I have for months. Today will be recovery day. Out for lunch. Visit the Doi Saket homes likely this afternoon or evening. Perhaps, if our swollen feet are up to it, a trip down to the Chiang Mai night bazaar. But mostly, just resting.

The trip to get here is behind us. The God adventure is ahead.

So for right now....I'm just reveling in the home-ness of it all.