Of Naps and Self-Reflections

 

On a coolish day at the cottage, four days in, I am wrapped in a blanket, holding a cup of tea, looking out over the water, and making a weak and slow attempt to disengage from responsibility.

This is normal.  Going from full-out to dead-stop isn’t a reasonable expectation for anyone.  Unwinding takes time, and silence, and low cloudy days like today.

This time, though, I find myself with more than the usual to unpack.  The season ended with two significant marking moments for me; one being my 60^th birthday, and the other being the 20^th anniversary of the community of faith where I serve as senior pastor

And both of these - my birthday and the anniversary - have brought their own and overlapping opportunities for reflection and evaluation.  Very strongly.  And all at once.   When it was all happening I didn’t notice it.  But now that I’m here, away from the midst of it, I find the degree of ‘assessment’ I’ve been under, mostly from myself, quite weighty. 

We can’t help it, I don’t think, this looking-back-to-evaluate thing we do.  Not if we care, not if we live with purpose.  It’s needful, in fact, to take stock, measure, analyze, if we are to achieve our goals and live up to our personal mission statement.   An honest look at both our accomplishments and failures makes room for growth towards a stronger future.  That’s what I hope for myself.  That’s what I hope for the church I love and lead. 

I am nowhere near properly sorting out how things went down just before I left.  But in these limbo days of not yet figuring it out between naps, I find it helpful to bear in mind a few things I know about life and ministry that aids in a more accurate self-reflection. 

1.       God wastes nothing.  However my self-reflection goes down, it’s imperative to bear in mind that in God’s economy, nothing that’s done for Him is wasted.  One of my all time favourite texts to rest on during this process is 1 Corinthians 15:58  “Therefore my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.”   If I’m tempted to bemoan a discrepancy between effort and results, I must come back to understand that every ounce of energy, every sacrifice, every late bedtime or early meeting, every penny, every frustration, insult received, sermon or meal delivered....it’s not been in vain.    How many stories are out there where someone did something almost obscure, and it ended up making a huge difference for a struggling soul?  Like that.  Only we don’t always get to hear the stories.  We just stay faithful.

2.       God’s measurements are inverted.   First to last.  Greatest to least.  So much of what we tend to measure as success is around having a ‘big’ impact.  Numerics are everything.  Optics count.  It’s hard to live in a mega-sized world when you serve a regular-sized community of faith, or business or family or anything.  Except Jesus keeps pointing us towards the little things.  Like cups of cold water, or feeding a hungry person, or clothing the naked, or visiting someone in prison.   In the Bible, if there’s a big impact numerically, it’s recorded because it’s so unusual (Eg. Acts 2:41).  Normally, the stories of the Bible are about individuals, or tiny clusters of folks who are just out there doing their thing bravely. 

3.       God made me for this.  For me, my ‘this’ right now is to shepherd an eclectic and grace-filled community of Jesus-followers, leading us collaboratively toward fulfilling the Great Commission and the Great Commandment.  My ‘this’ also takes me to another family half way around the world to live and love in a completely different culture, and help in the nurturing of at risk children who now have a home.  I do these things imperfectly for certain, but with the gifts, temperament and wiring God saw fit to include when He created me.  And He didn’t make a mistake.  I remind myself of this because the temptation to compare myself with others who lead differently, serve differently according to how God made them, can sometimes get in my way on the journey to fully embracing myself.  In taking stock, I’m not to measure myself against another’s standard of success.  Any assessment of value has to ask, ‘Have I been true to who I was created to be and what I’ve been called to do?’

These three things guide me.  Over the next weeks my reflections will take more specific tones.  As I embark on my annual reading of last season’s journal, I know from experience that the Spirit will direct many important reflections of correction, encouragement, rebuke and affirmation.  But not just yet.  I’m still just concentrating on breathing more slowly.

Now it’s raining, gentle and lulling, which only makes me want to go take another nap.  This is recovery in process, and I seem to have no choice but to give it sway.  I’m so grateful for all the rich and demanding gifts of my life, the hard work to do, the small things to offer in the name of Jesus.  And I’m also grateful for this place and time, to sort it all out, and rise up the better for it. 

After a nap.