The Search for Self

 

I have a somewhat embarrassing confession to make.

Every year at the cottage I try for the perfect selfie.

At no other time of the year and in no other place on the planet do I point the camera at myself and do a rapid fire succession of facial expressions, head tilts and camera angles. I don't even do this in front of Ken, it feels that silly and self-obsessed. Even the name we've given this - selfie - is telling.

And yet here I am, apparently vain enough to share this year's results with all of you. 'Cuz, well, I kinda like this one. (What's the emoji for sheepish grin?)

Like most people, I'm guessing, I don't consider myself to be particularly photogenic. Never have. So if I can grab a capture I don't hate, that's worth keeping.

Comes in handy since I'm surprisingly at a stage of my work life where I can be asked for a CV and a headshot. Oh, see what I did there? I just made my search for the perfect selfie into something that sounds practical, justifiable even.

I'm not sure if it seems like this to you, but to me I sure feels like we live in a culture obsessed with self. Or maybe it's just one of the foibles of being human. Our default is set inward. Identity and expression and being true to ourselves is everything. And capturing the "perfect" image to present to the world is everything.

The perfect "selfie" might also be made up of titles or achievements or anything else that we think will impress others or elevate our status. Making sure to remind everyone that we are smartest person in the room. Always having to have the last word. Casting criticisms on others so as to deflect attention from our own deficits. The list of the insidious ways we do this is endless.

Here's another thing about being at the cottage. Every year I feel it. The absence of this very pressure to perform, look good, be someone. And in that space, with the company of my journal, and a tender Shepherd Whose rod and staff nudge me in better directions, I find a better way to be my 'self'.

"I have called you by name," God says in Isaiah 43:1.
"And you are mine."

Yes, I know this whole identity thing is complex.
Letting go of all the expectations is almost a daily discipline.
But for me it's so freeing just to rest in understanding myself not obsessed with self, but aligned with this Love.

And come to think of it,
the people I find most beautiful
are those who radiate Him.